Wednesday, August 27, 2008

How to Lose a Gal

I wrote this list a few weeks ago and it cracked me and a best friend up. She added her own, so you won't know which are mine or hers :) Also, it's wisdom I've collected over an entire life (ALL my life) of dating. Ok, except for those 20 years I was married (lol)

1. Be really romantic and solid at first, then get all flaky.
2. Don't like what she cooks. Complain or go eat out - alone.
3. Don’t offer to help with the dishes after she cooks dinner.
4. Skip the housework – yours, hers, ours.
5. Don’t offer to do her small household repairs or help with yard work.
6. If you can do repairs, act like you can’t.
7. Procrastinate on everything.
8. Make big plans but don’t do anything to make them happen. Blame her.
9. Don't save any money.
10. Blame her when you're broke.
11. Join a band. Practice in the garage. Late.
12. Ask her to move in with you, then complain about all her stuff.
13. Boss her kids around.
14. Yell a lot.
15. Don't have a clue about how to make up. Forget all the flowers guys give on TV and in movies. Play dumb.
16. Never swallow your pride or admit you're wrong. It's not your fault!
17. Never just give her a hug when she's mad.
18. Be grumpy about little stuff.
19. Be nitpicky. Perfectionism rules!
20. Get mad if she leaves the room during an argument to cool off.
21. Follow her and say more stuff.
22. Tell her you plan to get back in shape, but don't.
23. Be excited when she buys you a great road bike, but don’t use it.
24. Gloat secretly that you can lose weight by thinking about it, and she has to work out.
25. Wonder who she might be meeting when she works out.
26. Don't surprise her with little gestures of affection.
27. Get affectionate only when you’re trying to “get lucky”.
28. Stay mad for a long time.
29. Wonder why you don’t “get lucky”. Be resentful about it.
30. Make her call you when you're going to be late.
31. Drive her car all the time. Don't pay for gas.
32. Expect really big gifts on holidays and your birthday.
33. Don't reciprocate. Don’t plan anything at all.
34. Be spontaneous all the time.
35. Try to laugh off flubbed dates that you didn’t plan. Better yet, make it her fault.
36. Forget important dates.
37. Tell her not to worry about your kids. None of her business. She’s not their mom!
38. Expect her to love your kids.
39. HATE girls night out.
40. Ask where she is all the time.
41. Read her email.
42. Call her when she is out with her friends - repeatedly.
43. Refuse to play games in the sack, or follow directions.
44. Hate chick flicks - go, but complain a lot.
45. Be surly to her friends. Don't socialize if you can help it. Except with your friends.
46. Be jealous of her friends.
47. Don’t dance – be jealous when she dances. Even if she loves it and is good at it. Hate that she takes lessons.
48. Don’t take dance lessons with her.
49. Be mean to her in public. Start arguments over dinner.
50. Don't ask how her day was.
51. When she’s going thru a hard time, don’t ask how you can help.
52. Don't talk about the tough stuff. Avoid conflict at all costs.
53. Take your stress out on her.
54. Don't forgive her mistakes.
55. Be moody.
56. Accuse her of all kinds of things. Make stuff up.
57. Bring drama into her life. Not the good kind.
58. Lose your job.
59. Let her support you for a year (more if you can get it)
60. Still don't do the housework.
61. Don't be vulnerable.
62. Attack when you feel insecure.
63. Bring out or develop a mean streak.
64. Save up lots of money and don't tell her about it.
65. Develop your road rage talents.
66. Drive fast and dangerous.
67. Be rude. Pick on clerks.
68. Talk bad about people behind their back.
69. Hate your mother.
70. Be or get addictive about something! Video games, work, drinking, sex, your scrips... offer them to her!
71. Be disappointed when she doesn't share your addiction.
72. Talk about old heartbreak and ex-girlfriends.
73. Cheat.
74. Lie.
75. Steal.
76. Swear like a sailor. Be shocked if she cusses.
77. Love it when she looks nice. Assume she does it to make you look good.
78. Hate it when guys look at her.
79. Pretend you're smarter than she is.
80. Ask to wear her clothes.

It's all about you!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Thanks!! I love this.