Mothers

Started this post last week. I guess it's a reminder that parental units stay busy. All the time.

G asked me what is the hardest thing about motherhood. "All of it." She asked again and I said "Slaying the dragons." She said, "What's the hardest non metaphorical thing about motherhood?" I replied, "Yeah, slaying the dragons." Led to a nice discussion of how mothering is being hyper vigilant and also relaxed. At the same time. It's also being patient when you've gone without sleep or rest for too long. It's keeping too many details in your head at once, and then learning not to do that. It's studying to learn to do things differently than your instincts, and other times it's following your instincts. It's hell. It's heaven. I'm super blessed to have 6 kids now and 4 grandchildren. And if I had world and time, I'd adopt older kids who need a home. Thanks Mom, for teaching me there is always enough love to go around.
 

Clearly I have not the stamina nor discipline to post every day.

The Good News is I do write. Every day. Religiously.

Lately I've been capturing the scraps of writing in various forms. Using the Journal, which I mentioned last week, I write and capture posts from FB nicely (I put them in the "notebook" section, not the daily journal section). I write in a physical journal (or two or three) and I compose emails, which at least I send to a special account that is just for the purpose of capturing my writing. Goal there is to capture more emails in the Journal, so there is a somewhat central suppository. No wait REpository <g>.

My website is set up for the family business, but I'm going to add another website just for my random meanderings. And likely another for a new business. And a non-profit.

All this in the works, along with getting my house in order (physically and digitally), the business in order (accounting and fiscally) and the relationships in order (reconnecting with people I haven't had time to enjoy for 9 months).

It was a cool thing, to birth myself out of the last job. Well worth the carrying and pushing. Now there is a weird bit of transition, getting re-grounded, and cultivating new stuff.

Putting legs under some of these new ideas is an altogether different matter. I do think I can grow my sideline business to support us, take care of essentials, keep income flow UP. And on the side* another business germinates. Like good writing ideas, it's important to protect it from frosts of people who would judge not nurture, yet it also needs the sunshine and warmth, so I share it with a few trusted friends.

We shall see. It could be mental masturbation, but I don't think so. Even if it fails, at least I will have pursued it. That is what matters really. I've done this before and didn't get to see the idea/organization fully birthed. It was not meant to be, and I was ok. Good experience planning it all and then laying it to rest, as gracefully as possible. I've had many other successful enterprises. They have a creation curve, a lifespan, a return to dust. Legacy stuff and sustainability are topics for another day.

For the sane, it's not just the chase (of ideas and new forms) that matters, but balancing stability with exploration. I live in a smaller town now, and that by definition can hinder risk taking. After all, in a community where there are less options, fewer ideas can be chased, with back up opportunities if your brilliant idea fails. In other words, everyone knows if you are a windmill chaser, and what that means is less certain ... outcomes** can be, well, overlooked in a large metropolis. Not so in more intimate settings.

Just realized this is the first time since '85 I've lived in a smallish community. Hmmm... food for thought. I did find the small towns from '76 to '81 nice but constraining. Too small in some ways. Athens was just right, but then I yearned for Atlanta, the siren hussy Belle, and wonderful dance partner. She will always be my first big love, put stars in my eyes.

One goal for this week is to to check out John Green's*** and other vloggers' posts about online community and struggling with how to best connect. I'm considering blogs, vlogs, social media and other forms of building digital community.

Also have more plans to sketch out. There is a garden to dig. No thought required at first, just pulling old stuff out, getting beds ready. That's what I love about housework I think. It's fairly simple work. No thinking required. Let's me rest.
Shalom
v

*that's only two sides, so far.. I think home and hearth are truly my main vocations. This other stuff, businesses and community are avocations :)

**by outcomes I mean failures of course but also successes. And therein lies another two-edged sword. Towns both discourage by their very nature people getting outside the box too much - it's what we do as tribe, only allow so much unknown/unfamiliar behavior. Yet small towns will love to support your success and care much more than cities. Cities encourage exploration and freedom, but care not a rat's ass if you fail. Harsher in their own way, cities sort of offer support, but not like towns.

** I know little to nothing about John Green, but am curious and would like to find info on online communities / forums. Could help the next business grow support. One of my daughters loves Green - I've watch some of his vlogs. Glad he is out there being awesome.

Online Conversations, IP and the Holocaust (or Winning over Evil)

So tired of short posts on FB - it is where I live much of the time, keeps me connected to friends etc. Gives a forum for conversation. I think I'll take myself over here (blog) for a while and see if I have the stamina to post regularly.

I write most days, and capture a lot of it in various electronic forms. Really don't like that the scant "intellectual property" I own is trapped in fb posts and on servers elsewhere. Call me old fashioned, I like my stuff to stay on my hard drive. This week I'll install a journal app to keep my info secured on my own system. (love this app btw, The Journal rocks. I have it on one system and am going to purchase a small bundle of licenses for a select group of my beloveds who write. This guy David is amazing.)

In the meantime, here is a great post about the Holocaust, and our victory over evil!!! It's amazing:

My morning consisted of coffee and crafting a comment (below), on this article, "Humanity Is Transforming And Changing: The Great Awakening" about human evolution and well, "awakening". The writer observes we are moving forward, and made reference to global warming, corporations, etc. The article wasn't half bad. I've read much much worse - sometimes drivel is so ridiculously inane you wonder that people read it. In fact it worries me that people read crap and then just buy in.

But like I said, this article wasn't all bad, if a bit jargon heavy. Here is an excerpt:

It’s almost April 2013 and the planet is going through a mass transformation. There are many aspects to this transformation, and in the end one must come to realize the basic building block for global change starts with us, humanity on a collective level, together. We are being called to evolve past our current way of living, tap into our infinite potentiality, let go of our training wheels and fly. We continue to search for external factors like technology and alternative ways to function, which is great. But humanity cannot evolve past its current paradigm unless the souls on Earth themselves change first. From that place of change we can begin to implement new ways of operating on this planet which can propel us past our current limitations and into an existence of abundance, peace , prosperity, and discovery. Humanity must operate from a place of love, peace, cooperation, acceptance and understanding if it is to move on and expand past the current limitations and definitions it has placed upon itself. A portion of the paradigm change we are witnessing on planet Earth today is people waking up to what has really been taking place. This can be a tough process because many humans have been made to believe certain realities are true when they are not. Through the use of mainstream media, education and more, we have been programmed with false ideas and belief systems of how the world and the industries that govern it work. We’ve also been programmed with the idea of how to be, how to act, and what to do in certain situations. This type of programming has taken us away from our soul’s voice, our heart, and our ability to be our true self. We are a young race, and we are only just discovering our hearts now.

Not bad actually. It gets a bit "airy" but he/she makes a few good points: People are paying attention. Programming happens. The soul is different from the heart and the self. I like "We are a young race."

Unfortunately, she/he doesn't back up the good points and then goes a bit off the rails to blaming.

To my mind blaming corporations, the government, and even human nature is besides the point and it really is a huge part of the problem. (By the problem, I mean challenges to evolution.) We need to understand all of these components to be sure. But making arguments that can't be backed up, along with lazy consumption of info and general lack of intellectual rigor keep us from moving forward. Flabby thinking and inferior leaders will lead us into the pits of hell.

I just went back and read the ending to the article, something about "all we have to do is follow our hearts" and I'm feeling nauseous now. Ug. Ok, ok, the ending was bad.

Here's why: "Follow your heart" is good advice for many situations. It doesn't exactly fend off global warming. It also doesn't make other things "better", like parenting. Bad parenting comes from a lack of good tools, effective methods and strong role models. There are times you have to follow your heart as a parent, but it's crap for advice, because when the toddler is having a melt down in the grocery store, you really can't always hear your heart. Especially if you are a bit off your game.

• New thought: human evolution depends on good tools, effective methods and strong role models. 

So "follow your heart" is exactly what I hated in the Human Awakening article. But still, the author made other good points. Paul posted a practical comment, something like "only a small number of people are paying attention". Here were my thoughts:

goodtrouble [that's me]

Your comment is awaiting moderation.

April 13, 2013 at 11:25 am

Paul – I agree completely. It’s nice words. But I’m a pragmatist. We are barely waking up, and there has always *always* been a contingent of humans who are “waking up” aka, discovering stuff before the rest. Love does indeed rule the spiritual “universe” but Action, which come from ideas and their dissemination, rule the physical world. I’m all about the overlap, and I know that Peace begins at home, but really, “one world” if it ever happens is WAY off (like in the distance/future).

I think recent research into the way people behave as individuals and in groups when faced with an actual disaster (ship literally going down) gives us the most insight into what to expect from people generally when faced with facts of a building global environmental crisis. Most people, in a disaster, freeze. It’s hard wired. Some – a few – in contrast, react with “I’m going to survive” and they often make it. Or they die trying. People who are trained for survival develop a mind set. It’s like really good defensive drivers taking it to the next level. (Read The Survivor’s Club if you want details: http://www.amazon.com/Survivors-Club-Secrets-Science-Could/dp/B004TE6O2G/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1365864803&sr=1-1&keywords=the+survivor%27s+club)

What else do we know? Humans don’t believe “it” can happen to them (hence the deer in headlights first reaction) and therefore don’t plan ahead. This is true if we are talking about rape, poverty, and complete demise of an economic system or global environmental disaster. (For more proof, See: completely inadequate lack of retirement planning for our collective futures)

Finally, there is research lately that shows when confronted with info that contradicts our beliefs, we tend to become more entrenched in our (often erroneous) beliefs. (http://youarenotsosmart.com/). (The remedy to this, I believe, is rigorous dedication to truly examining new information when it comes in, even if it blows all your pet theories out of the water. This is why scientists are f-cking cool. And could save our frail human asses. But then, as the author points out, they tried to burn Galileo at the stake. Copernicus was the one who first said the earth wasn’t flat, if I remember correctly, and he came well before.)

I do question some assumptions and assertions in this article, such as :

“They are owned by a handful of multinational corporations who we all know are in control of government and governmental policy, such as Time Warner, Disney, Viacom, News Corporation, CBS Corporation, and NBC Universal. What is even more strange is that all of these corporations have connections to each other. Multiple CEO’s and employees are members of the Council On Foreign Relations and all of these organizations always lead up to the same group of families, like the Rockefellers.”

 I’m pretty sure that 1. the government isn’t capable of grand conspiracies – they are too large and generally inefficient to pull it off. 2. Corporations don’t run our government. Hello? Can anyone believe that [corporations run our government] statement after the last US presidential election? I don’t disagree that corporations have too much power, that capitalism has huge flaws and that we have allowed people to hide behind the Corporate Curtain (ala Wizard of Oz) but that is not the same thing. 3. Corporations all have connections to each other because that is what groups do. It’s sensible and effective and self-preserving. Whatever – it’s what we are (ad hoc) doing right this minute. Connecting. So what. 4. CEOs are always members of various councils. Yes, some are from old money. Again, big deal. Doesn’t prove a damn thing. In fact, let’s consider “new money” and if there is more influence, across the planet, from those in the Middle East with more money than they can spend. Rest assured they love to invest in the American greenback. So I said all that to say this: It. is. time. for us to get off our armchair quarterbacking butts with all the intellectual flabbiness of a nearly uneducated generation, attack our sense of entitlement* and consider how we can make real change happen. It STARTS with actually making sound arguments and cases for our beliefs. It ENDS with _doing_ something different. Like what? Like making a point to really, truly respectfully listen to the “other side” aka all those who don’t get what the hell is going on. If you treat them like morons, they will act like morons. If you treat them like people, even including the CEOs! then they may have an interest in what you are saying.

I really hope this comment section let’s me go on this long. Paul, thank you for getting me started. I needed to coagulate these thoughts.
Namaste. Be a warrior.

*the idea that we are either doomed and so will sit asana or that someone else will fix the problem

Bottom line is I wouldn't have commented if I hadn't thought there was enough intellectual prowess (in the author and the readers) to work with in the first place.

Reading all this and commenting also makes me bow at the feet of composition teachers everywhere.

[Please forgive the crappy formatting in my post. I have too much to do to dig into the html to fix it. Yes, I'm being technilogically lazy ass.]

Out of Our Way

Children are at the center of this tragedy in Connecticut. Yesterday I could barely think about it, the horror is so large. I had to keep it in my peripheral vision.

We had our Shabbat Rocks service for the children last night, and I couldn't go. I just couldn't. Likewise I missed the regular evening service. I had to stay home with my little family, rest, recoup. Not think too much about the hearts that are shattered, all over the world. In heaven and earth.

 Today I've decided to write instead of go pray with my tribe. To me it is a form of prayer. Or maybe I will go to services. There is true comfort in ritual, in prayers together, in praising G-d when the unthinkable happens. Our Mourners Kaddish was created, it is said, for just that reason. To exalt G-d when we may be tempted to curse G-d in our grief. And it must be said in community, among those who love us, those who support us.

Some other thoughts are slowly becoming clear to me.

Our children need us - and it takes a village to raise a child. If you aren't exhausted by parenting, you aren't doing it right. Parents need us. We have to help each other. The children too need us. Especially children with odd parents.

Pretending like it is not our problem is not good enough. Not doing anything is contributing to the kind of tragedy that we see now in a nice, small town of regular people. Under "normal" veneers, we all have our local quirks, and the dangerous among us ask for help long long before they act.

The mentally ill are always with us. What we can do to help is NOT ignore it. Stay involved. Yes, keep informed.

I once lived on a street where a very bipolar mom lost custody of her 3 children. We neighbors were all so relieved. It was sad. We liked her (sometimes). But we loved the kids. Even the "bad" one (who is doing much better now). I made a point to talk to those in authority to help make sure accurate information was being conveyed. I knew when to alert the professionals. I pray for them all still.

Think about how alone children feel who are being raised by parents who are harsh, angry, punishing. Think about how lonely neglected children are. These are our children too. A kind word, an encouraging smile, a willingness to listen. These matter. Children all deserve our love and attention. Offer to help the single parent who is over worked and over stressed, and be kind to the kid who is suspicious of you. Get involved in some way. Let's go out of our way for them.

Schools need us more than ever. Teachers have so many children, so many challenges. They are there to help support parents, but also have to make up for parents who don't know how to be loving and kind, or who never show up for conferences, or are absent all together. Show up in school, help out. Tutor a child, or join Big Brother or Big Sister. We can go out of our way to help.

Comforting those who are in mourning is Jewish law. It's a commandment, a mitzvah. It also allows us to DO something in times of tragedy. I volunteer on the Consolation Committee here in my town; we simply help serve and clean up at Shiva (service of mourning) in the bereaved family's homes.

Anyone who suffers needs someone to reach out. And if their suffering is prolonged, then so too should our support be steadfast. It gives hope to those who are in despair.

Every time we take time to be involved with our schools, with our churches, mosques and temples, with our communities, we strengthen all of us. It takes going out of our way, out of our own lives and out into the circles of people you know. It takes tracking down who needs help.
 
The Helpers: Mental health professionals and fire and police professionals also need our support. Don't forget our clergy.

If the loss of so many lives is horrific to us, imagine the challenge to those first responders. Imagine the medical personnel, the professionals who will work around the clock to help the families, friends, the entire town, the family and friends far-flung, the county. Those who provide comfort on a daily basis, social workers, counselors, pastors, rabbis, medics, all of them. They need our appreciation - not just in times of outstanding grief, but in times of City Council meetings, and when we are voting local officials into office. Local budgets support our helping professionals. Make a point to get involved.

On a state and national level, remember we have cut funding for years from mental health programs. We now have more mentally ill people on the streets (I see them all the time) than ever before. It's not easy to get treatment for a huge part of the population that are not covered under insurance, but don't qualify for free care. We can bring some pressure on our representatives to keep funding reasonable.

National organizations set the standards and are charged with distributing grants and making sure local programs are effective. Check out this excellent site, NIMH. Remember they help with programs for victims of violence, disaster relief, and soldiers coming home from war, only to fight their own battles at home, as they learn to reintegrate into society and their loving families.

It's clear why people chose to live in small towns. They know one another, they love each others children, they celebrate together and they mourn together. They share values, they agree to treat each other well. They help each other daily. Regularly. It is a part of their lives. They almost always know who is disturbed, and the police force knows, and the mental health professionals know. The shelters know.

Yes, people get lost in larger towns, in cities, but it doesn't have to happen. Many large cities still have their street, their building, their neighborhood. They still have families and friends and all the places we connect as people, raising our children, caring for our elderly.

Knowing is not enough. There has to be action. Caring, loving, but action that keeps people safe - from themselves. It keeps us all safe. We must go out of our way.

If we want to slow down the insanity that breaks our hearts and terrifies our children, we must value and strengthen community more. There is much independence in this country, and that is good. But it can only work as a society with the loving and sure ties of those we live among.

WE are the safety net.
v
ps. and yes, guns and gun laws play a part. However, in a strong community this isn't the issue. People who own guns, in my opinion, have one of three reasons. Either they do so for practical reasons, like they live in the country, (where yes, there are animals and sometimes they hunt) or 2. because they are afraid and feel like they need protection/defense. Or 3. because they are up to no good - illegal use, mass murder etc. Or some combination of these three. (I'm sure some would say there is a "cool" factor or "because I can" factor but I'm not going there.)

There is only one group that needs no guns. Others may need oversight. Cops will tell us, beg us not to let everyone own or carry. It's a tough topic, and there are not easy answers. Just like the abortion debate, we need better thinking. All abortions shouldn't be legal, nor should all abortions be illegal. That's stupid. All guns shouldn't be legal. Nor should NO guns be legal.

Relationships are like Leggos

My first big class - as a trainer - was in I guess early 1990. I'd taught before, so could handle a large group. Maybe 50 people were in this Excel class. First level spreadsheets, and desktops had only been out for a few years, laptops even less. People needed knowledge, guidance. I had been on spreadsheets for 4 years! An old pro.

Still that was a lot of people for my 27 year old self to handle.

A few days ago I looked at the building where it took place, on Roswell Road in ATL. Next door to one of my favorite stores. I like to pause and just remember where all my training work started, how new and nervous I was, how the world looked to me back then.

The class started well enough, me explaining that a cell is the intersection of a row and a column. Then I talked about cell addresses, A1, A2, B1, B2. Fairly smoothly I chattered along. I wasn't great (that would come later ;) but I had most of the class following along.

But there was one spot of disruption. Someone was getting help from those next to her. When I finally stopped long enough to help, I quickly realized that she didn't get the most fundamental concept. A cell. I asked her to press the spacebar, on the keyboard, and she couldn't find it.

It was a moment of complete melt down.

She was totally overwhelmed, slammed against the wall of her greatest fears, unable to follow the most simple command. She ended up fleeing at the first break. I felt bad for her but we had to muster thru the day.

What's interesting about her and that experience for me was how much I got out of it.

I still identify with that sense of being lost. It gave me a chance to become a great trainer and a much better teacher. I began to make sure everyone in my classes got the fundamental concepts. I refused to teach large classes where I couldn't make eye contact with everyone in those few seconds between sentences, after I'd made an important point.

I learned to start class with some basics: here is what we are going to learn, here is the order of things, here is a question box, where I will put your question if we are not to that topic yet or I need to fit it in somewhere else.

Most important, I learned to describe the learning curve, the way a class (and learning curves) could make you panic, or lost or both. I made it clear that breathing was important. And stopping. Here is the list I refined, in the early 90s. Rules for when you were lost:

1. Don't panic.
2. Stop.
3. Breathe.
4. Ask for help.

Later I added "Listen." before Ask for Help, since I usually repeated myself several times on each step.

Yesterday I realized that in relationships I had missed a fundamental piece many many years ago, much like the woman who didn't understand a cell in spreadsheets. It's very simple, but crucial to the entire fabric, the flow and the understanding of relationships with humans.

I hadn't learned that people connect and disconnect and reconnect.

That's it.

I knew it intellectually, I got it cerebrally. But I hadn't got it at gut level, AND I had suffered a trauma around disconnecting. My biological dad had limited relationship skills, so he and Mom split when I was like 3 or so. Common story. But a child's interpretation of events colored my view. Disconnecting meant Dad went away and didn't come back.

It could happen again. Various deaths reinforced this idea/world view.

Swear, I was in my 40s. Fortys. before someone explained one of the most fundamental concepts of relationships to me, the flow: connect, disconnect, reconnect. Natural, normal.

As I considered this, I slowly realized how BIG this was for me! It was REALLY helpful! I'd been doing it, connecting and disconnecting; after all, you are in relationships all your life. But I had such bad anxiety sometimes I hated myself. I sometimes loved shoving people away, so I didn't have to miss them. But often even that would make me freaky after a while.

So just knowing this ONE thing - simple but so important, helped me relax a little. To find the space bar. (smile). Now it helps me relax a lot.

This last week, 10 days I spent in Georgia and TN. It was good to see everyone, tho I spent most of my time with family, helping out around the house, rescuing cats, normal stuff.  Dad's* cancer is treatable, with better radiation than they had a few years ago. So we are hopeful. Cautiously optimistic. Loving him very much.

We also got to see Mama, my sister, my brother, nieces, friends, etc. All this time was full of connecting moments and disconnecting. And reconnecting.

At the end, as we are parting, sometimes we disconnect gracefully, lovingly. Sometimes with tension and internal growling. But we all kind of trust the process a little more. Yeah, I miss them, miss my college kids - and that longing too comes and goes. (Well, not so much with the college kids, but it mainly just simmers :)

My home is peaceful and beautiful. I know, pretty much, where stuff is. I have work that is worthwhile, that requires my attention. And two cats who are wonderful company, whether I like it or not. There are good friends here too. A daughter who needs me. I love my life.

There are letters to write, to send love, to connect. Gifts to think about and forage for, or make.Small stuff. Good stuff. All of it.

It's good to be home.
v
*Dear Old Dad/ Daddy (not my biological dad, but the Man who Raised me)

Peaceful and Polarized

Yesterday it was this song on my mind, in my house, taking up my space before I left for work.

Today it is this song, about cold hearts. Actually it's the entire album. Warm, full, soothing and matches my very happy, peaceful self  :-)

I may play the album for a few days, because I love Norah Jones, because I like the songs, and mostly, because I am still staying away from The News.

It occurs to me that elections are tools, just like cell phones. Depends on how you use them. Lots of info is out there. Maybe it's not how we use it but how we approach it.

This morning someone had a sweet crawl-in-bed greeting for me, curling up at my feet, petting the cats. She came back quietly a few minutes later with a folded note card, which she placed on my bedside table. On the outside: "Open if you want to know who won the election   p.s. good morning". It was sealed with tape.

Last night she followed the election online at low volume. I was out most of the evening. Without my asking she gave me space on the issue; I assumed she saw my post ("I want to be the last person on the planet to find out the results of the election").

Later we talked about the idea a bit, when I said goodnight. I described my goal to stay away from the fray, the excitement, the agony and over-dramatization of the entire process. I explained it was an exercise for me to create this separation from the world, for a time. It was a good chance to practice detachment, both from the process and the outcome. I suggested she look up Luddite.

This morning she just couldn't stand my not knowing. So we hung out for a few moments in that tension, noticing that she wanted me to get clued in, and that I was happy with my bubble of Not Knowing. I asked how important was it to her that I get clued in? She wasn't sure. In good relationships, you notice that sort of stuff, work with it. How important was our position to each of us?  Why? I heard her internal struggle of wanting to talk about the results with me, and yet honor my request. She heard that this is my way of not just creating space, but concentrating, honoring the other big things in my life, in fact the only things that mean much: my family, my job. Our home.*

I had some idea of what happened with the election. Saw a hint last night that Obama won Ohio. Still, the not knowing was really nice. Strengthened my resolve to just enjoy my day. To notice how cool it is to not be sucked in.

Just like going without a "smart" phone for a few weeks. What was it, .... wait, it was over 3 months. That's cool. After I lost my 'droid, I used no cell phone at all for a couple few weeks, then went to a flip phone. Loved the release of no calls to make when I was without the device. Just driving. "Check it out.", I thought. How cool.

Then I noticed I was ok not being constantly on the internet, or NOT playing with a phone while I took G out for brunch (we goofed off and it was awesome), and soon I didn't care much about texting.

Now with the re-integration of a new Android into my life, I have a nice, easy balance with it. It's not a new toy, it's a tool. It's useful, and yeah I check various things on it. Go online, whatever. Key word being "whatever".

Elections come and go. So do phones, presidents, laws, houses, people. Elections are tools, just like cell phones. They tell you stuff. Maybe too much.  Sometimes you have to turn them off.

It's still a bit weird to live where I am right now. To truly inhabit my home, my body, my life. Even weirder to just enjoy it. To enjoy the spaces I move thru without a lot of worry.

Speaking of being comfortable. There is a dark side (of course!). For instance, what about the big trends? The routing of the middle class? The economy? Balancing the power of government and regulating big businesses? 

I thought Progressives were supposed to be leading the way these last few decades. Somehow we lost our way. We thought we would just enjoy the prosperity of the 90s without consequences.

And we forgot our fellow citizens. We left behind an entire generation of people who could not work their way out of being born to less education, less opportunity, or the color of their skin, or their accents. We thought it was ok to be a little bit superior because, after all, we did care deeply and did go to school, made a success of our lives. Nice cars, nice house. Retirement. Good shoes.

We really did care about the less fortunate. We gave to charity. Dropped dollars in the red kettle at Christmas. Sometimes a $5 or a $10. It redeemed us from those other excesses and inattention that we didn't want to talk about.

So we paid with 8 years of Bush and two unwinnable wars. We watched our neighbors and friends send their children into battle, and bring them home in the devastation of shattered hearts.

We paid for our arrogance. And we still like to pretend we aren't all that bad.

But we are.

We have easily earned the right to watch the American political process go deeper into high drama, negligible results, and ultimate demise.

But we also have the inalienable right to get our shit together.

How easy it was for us to hate the wars, and pretend we just hate all the stupidity, without considering the alternative. Many of us just wanted the wars to end, but tried to be practical and save face by being mad and sad about them. But would we really have been ok with not going after the terrorists?

We wanted to be all indignant about the stupidity of No Child Left Behind, partly because we hated Bush and were sure he couldn't execute his puppet ass out of a wet paper bag. So we railed against the barbarian standardized testing and came up with nada as an alternative.

We love unions, but we don't hold people accountable - you know, the teachers, the post office, the administrations, those elected officials. We defended teachers blindly without stopping to consider how to turn around those schools where children were not getting the skills they needed, and were dropping out by as much as 43% (black kids; hispanic kids are at 42%; Am Indian kids at 46%).

How many of us actually wrote to or called even one elected official in the last 10, 12 years? I think I have once or twice. A few letters to Obama.

How many school board meetings have you attended? How many city council meetings? Watched them on TV? How many movies?

I'm just too busy. We all are.

We think somehow our small, mostly good lives will be ok even if we don't really listen to the Other Side.

Why listen deeply? It's so much work. They might change our minds on something. We might have to rethink our firmly embedded opinions. We might even have to consider voting for someone from - well, no, that's going too far. (Did you think "Dark side"? have you demonized your political opponents and their followers?)

Being polarized comes from not doing the work of respecting, listening with intent to understand (not find weaknesses), struggling thru to our common values, then working together to try various things until a solution is found. It's hard hard work. Like a marriage. Like a strong, healthy family.

I'm curious to see if the Left will begin to notice how our elected representatives do just that: they represent our entirety. They are a reflection of our inability to work together, put aside differences to solve real problems. No wonder Congress is deadlocked, and makes us nuts, the president less than effective. We hate the dysfunction in government and yet it is created out of our big American family - you know, the extended weird family that has infighting, avoids each other until the holidays, talks over each other, gossips, belittles and gloats.

So yeah, I did finally open the card. Why? Because my need to be apart from the world was trumped by my daughter's need to talk with me about something important to her. I didn't have to say "I love you" in words.

But I did anyway.

And she was off happily to school.

Now, going to inhabit my day, listening to a new song. Hoping we can love America the way she really needs to be loved. Within a strong, healthy, basically happy family.
v

*Madeleine once commented she thought I would eventually become Amish. Too authoritarian but yes, a very attractive lifestyle. As long as I could watch movies, dance, read voraciously, widely, and of course enjoy wine and football (generally not at the same time). Oh yeah, there is that driving thing. I could rock a buggy ;)