Started this post last week. I guess it's a reminder that parental units stay busy. All the time.
G
asked me what is the hardest thing about motherhood. "All of it." She
asked again and I said "Slaying the dragons." She said, "What's the
hardest non metaphorical thing about motherhood?" I replied, "Yeah,
slaying the dragons." Led to a nice discussion of how mothering is being
hyper vigilant and also relaxed. At the same time. It's also being
patient when you've gone without sleep or rest for too long. It's keeping too many details in your head at once, and then learning not to do that.
It's studying to learn to do things differently than your instincts,
and other times it's following your instincts. It's hell. It's heaven.
I'm super blessed to have 6 kids now
and 4 grandchildren. And if I had world and time, I'd adopt older kids
who need a home. Thanks Mom, for teaching me there is always enough love
to go around.
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Relationships are like Leggos
My first big class - as a trainer - was in I guess early 1990. I'd taught before, so could handle a large group. Maybe 50 people were in this Excel class. First level spreadsheets, and desktops had only been out for a few years, laptops even less. People needed knowledge, guidance. I had been on spreadsheets for 4 years! An old pro.
Still that was a lot of people for my 27 year old self to handle.
A few days ago I looked at the building where it took place, on Roswell Road in ATL. Next door to one of my favorite stores. I like to pause and just remember where all my training work started, how new and nervous I was, how the world looked to me back then.
The class started well enough, me explaining that a cell is the intersection of a row and a column. Then I talked about cell addresses, A1, A2, B1, B2. Fairly smoothly I chattered along. I wasn't great (that would come later ;) but I had most of the class following along.
But there was one spot of disruption. Someone was getting help from those next to her. When I finally stopped long enough to help, I quickly realized that she didn't get the most fundamental concept. A cell. I asked her to press the spacebar, on the keyboard, and she couldn't find it.
It was a moment of complete melt down.
She was totally overwhelmed, slammed against the wall of her greatest fears, unable to follow the most simple command. She ended up fleeing at the first break. I felt bad for her but we had to muster thru the day.
What's interesting about her and that experience for me was how much I got out of it.
I still identify with that sense of being lost. It gave me a chance to become a great trainer and a much better teacher. I began to make sure everyone in my classes got the fundamental concepts. I refused to teach large classes where I couldn't make eye contact with everyone in those few seconds between sentences, after I'd made an important point.
I learned to start class with some basics: here is what we are going to learn, here is the order of things, here is a question box, where I will put your question if we are not to that topic yet or I need to fit it in somewhere else.
Most important, I learned to describe the learning curve, the way a class (and learning curves) could make you panic, or lost or both. I made it clear that breathing was important. And stopping. Here is the list I refined, in the early 90s. Rules for when you were lost:
1. Don't panic.
2. Stop.
3. Breathe.
4. Ask for help.
Later I added "Listen." before Ask for Help, since I usually repeated myself several times on each step.
Yesterday I realized that in relationships I had missed a fundamental piece many many years ago, much like the woman who didn't understand a cell in spreadsheets. It's very simple, but crucial to the entire fabric, the flow and the understanding of relationships with humans.
I hadn't learned that people connect and disconnect and reconnect.
That's it.
I knew it intellectually, I got it cerebrally. But I hadn't got it at gut level, AND I had suffered a trauma around disconnecting. My biological dad had limited relationship skills, so he and Mom split when I was like 3 or so. Common story. But a child's interpretation of events colored my view. Disconnecting meant Dad went away and didn't come back.
It could happen again. Various deaths reinforced this idea/world view.
Swear, I was in my 40s. Fortys. before someone explained one of the most fundamental concepts of relationships to me, the flow: connect, disconnect, reconnect. Natural, normal.
As I considered this, I slowly realized how BIG this was for me! It was REALLY helpful! I'd been doing it, connecting and disconnecting; after all, you are in relationships all your life. But I had such bad anxiety sometimes I hated myself. I sometimes loved shoving people away, so I didn't have to miss them. But often even that would make me freaky after a while.
So just knowing this ONE thing - simple but so important, helped me relax a little. To find the space bar. (smile). Now it helps me relax a lot.
This last week, 10 days I spent in Georgia and TN. It was good to see everyone, tho I spent most of my time with family, helping out around the house, rescuing cats, normal stuff. Dad's* cancer is treatable, with better radiation than they had a few years ago. So we are hopeful. Cautiously optimistic. Loving him very much.
We also got to see Mama, my sister, my brother, nieces, friends, etc. All this time was full of connecting moments and disconnecting. And reconnecting.
At the end, as we are parting, sometimes we disconnect gracefully, lovingly. Sometimes with tension and internal growling. But we all kind of trust the process a little more. Yeah, I miss them, miss my college kids - and that longing too comes and goes. (Well, not so much with the college kids, but it mainly just simmers :)
My home is peaceful and beautiful. I know, pretty much, where stuff is. I have work that is worthwhile, that requires my attention. And two cats who are wonderful company, whether I like it or not. There are good friends here too. A daughter who needs me. I love my life.
There are letters to write, to send love, to connect. Gifts to think about and forage for, or make.Small stuff. Good stuff. All of it.
It's good to be home.
v
*Dear Old Dad/ Daddy (not my biological dad, but the Man who Raised me)
Still that was a lot of people for my 27 year old self to handle.
A few days ago I looked at the building where it took place, on Roswell Road in ATL. Next door to one of my favorite stores. I like to pause and just remember where all my training work started, how new and nervous I was, how the world looked to me back then.
The class started well enough, me explaining that a cell is the intersection of a row and a column. Then I talked about cell addresses, A1, A2, B1, B2. Fairly smoothly I chattered along. I wasn't great (that would come later ;) but I had most of the class following along.
But there was one spot of disruption. Someone was getting help from those next to her. When I finally stopped long enough to help, I quickly realized that she didn't get the most fundamental concept. A cell. I asked her to press the spacebar, on the keyboard, and she couldn't find it.
It was a moment of complete melt down.
She was totally overwhelmed, slammed against the wall of her greatest fears, unable to follow the most simple command. She ended up fleeing at the first break. I felt bad for her but we had to muster thru the day.
What's interesting about her and that experience for me was how much I got out of it.
I still identify with that sense of being lost. It gave me a chance to become a great trainer and a much better teacher. I began to make sure everyone in my classes got the fundamental concepts. I refused to teach large classes where I couldn't make eye contact with everyone in those few seconds between sentences, after I'd made an important point.
I learned to start class with some basics: here is what we are going to learn, here is the order of things, here is a question box, where I will put your question if we are not to that topic yet or I need to fit it in somewhere else.
Most important, I learned to describe the learning curve, the way a class (and learning curves) could make you panic, or lost or both. I made it clear that breathing was important. And stopping. Here is the list I refined, in the early 90s. Rules for when you were lost:
1. Don't panic.
2. Stop.
3. Breathe.
4. Ask for help.
Later I added "Listen." before Ask for Help, since I usually repeated myself several times on each step.
Yesterday I realized that in relationships I had missed a fundamental piece many many years ago, much like the woman who didn't understand a cell in spreadsheets. It's very simple, but crucial to the entire fabric, the flow and the understanding of relationships with humans.
I hadn't learned that people connect and disconnect and reconnect.
That's it.
I knew it intellectually, I got it cerebrally. But I hadn't got it at gut level, AND I had suffered a trauma around disconnecting. My biological dad had limited relationship skills, so he and Mom split when I was like 3 or so. Common story. But a child's interpretation of events colored my view. Disconnecting meant Dad went away and didn't come back.
It could happen again. Various deaths reinforced this idea/world view.
Swear, I was in my 40s. Fortys. before someone explained one of the most fundamental concepts of relationships to me, the flow: connect, disconnect, reconnect. Natural, normal.
As I considered this, I slowly realized how BIG this was for me! It was REALLY helpful! I'd been doing it, connecting and disconnecting; after all, you are in relationships all your life. But I had such bad anxiety sometimes I hated myself. I sometimes loved shoving people away, so I didn't have to miss them. But often even that would make me freaky after a while.
So just knowing this ONE thing - simple but so important, helped me relax a little. To find the space bar. (smile). Now it helps me relax a lot.
This last week, 10 days I spent in Georgia and TN. It was good to see everyone, tho I spent most of my time with family, helping out around the house, rescuing cats, normal stuff. Dad's* cancer is treatable, with better radiation than they had a few years ago. So we are hopeful. Cautiously optimistic. Loving him very much.
We also got to see Mama, my sister, my brother, nieces, friends, etc. All this time was full of connecting moments and disconnecting. And reconnecting.
At the end, as we are parting, sometimes we disconnect gracefully, lovingly. Sometimes with tension and internal growling. But we all kind of trust the process a little more. Yeah, I miss them, miss my college kids - and that longing too comes and goes. (Well, not so much with the college kids, but it mainly just simmers :)
My home is peaceful and beautiful. I know, pretty much, where stuff is. I have work that is worthwhile, that requires my attention. And two cats who are wonderful company, whether I like it or not. There are good friends here too. A daughter who needs me. I love my life.
There are letters to write, to send love, to connect. Gifts to think about and forage for, or make.Small stuff. Good stuff. All of it.
It's good to be home.
v
*Dear Old Dad/ Daddy (not my biological dad, but the Man who Raised me)
Monday, December 5, 2011
Why are Birthday Candles so Small?
There is something sweet about the tip of a hat, such that the phrase is common, while hats (that can be tipped) are not so much.
I had to smile when "That 70s Show" (tv sitcom) had Red (the dad) on an episode the other night, with his hat on, going to dinner with his wife. It's one of the only sitcoms I watch, and my favorite character is this Dad - he's less contrived than Archie Bunker, but cut from the same cloth. It could just be that Archie was more like my grandparents, and Red is more like my Dad.
Speaking of Dads, my biological father had a birthday yesterday. I mean, he's dead, but it's still a birth day, isn't it? I got sad this morning when I realized I may be the only one on the planet who remembered it today. (Yeah, ok, a day late.) It had been nagging in the back of my mind... early Dec... I wasn't close to him for most of my life, so it's a tough one to recall. Heck, birthdays of best friends and dear family are elusive (the 17th or the 19th? or was it the 21st? It was an odd day...)
It's weird how some thoughts have come to me only as a result of age. For instance about 10 or 15 years ago, I realized that there were fewer people on the planet who had held me as a baby. My dad died, my grandparents had mostly gone. Slowly they were leaving. I have one grandparent left. My Mom :D and two sweet aunts who were probably all about holding me. It's cool to know someone who has known me that long.
But today it was a sad surprise to think that maybe no one else remembered my Dad's birthday. His mom died about 7 months before he did, in 1998. And his step dad, my sweet surviving grandparent, maybe isn't good at those kind of dates. Would he remember?
My uncle might remember, but I don't know how good he is for birthdays either, even for his brother. My aunt, his wife, may have remembered. It gives me an excuse to call her. I think my Dad was born in 1940, so he would have been 71 today if he had lived. Wow - that would have been something. Hard to imagine him old since he died pretty young. 57.
Seemed old-ish then. Pretty young, now.
He was crazy smart. Like really. Crazy. and Smart. We think he was bipolar, which explains both, sort of. I love that he was a damn good writer and an award winning journalist. I think of him when I see college football marching bands - he was the drum major for the university of florida, one of his proudest achievements.
And he bought me my first horse when I was about 7 or 8. A beautiful quarter horse, Mr. Skip. One day I'll have a horse again. I'll remember who first taught me to ride.
He loved to tell stories and jokes. He gave a lot of compassion to people - so I was told after his death.
Jews have a tradition of lighting a candle each year on the anniversary of someone's death. We remember our dead on certain holidays too (Yom Kippur, etc - see this link for more info). It's said that as long as someone remembers you, you live on in the world. For the first time, I think I'll be making a donation in my Dad's honor. And I'll be lighting a candle :) For his birthday. Sucks that they are so small. Burn out quick.
May his memory be for a blessing. Maybe, at last, he rests in peace.
v
I had to smile when "That 70s Show" (tv sitcom) had Red (the dad) on an episode the other night, with his hat on, going to dinner with his wife. It's one of the only sitcoms I watch, and my favorite character is this Dad - he's less contrived than Archie Bunker, but cut from the same cloth. It could just be that Archie was more like my grandparents, and Red is more like my Dad.
Speaking of Dads, my biological father had a birthday yesterday. I mean, he's dead, but it's still a birth day, isn't it? I got sad this morning when I realized I may be the only one on the planet who remembered it today. (Yeah, ok, a day late.) It had been nagging in the back of my mind... early Dec... I wasn't close to him for most of my life, so it's a tough one to recall. Heck, birthdays of best friends and dear family are elusive (the 17th or the 19th? or was it the 21st? It was an odd day...)
It's weird how some thoughts have come to me only as a result of age. For instance about 10 or 15 years ago, I realized that there were fewer people on the planet who had held me as a baby. My dad died, my grandparents had mostly gone. Slowly they were leaving. I have one grandparent left. My Mom :D and two sweet aunts who were probably all about holding me. It's cool to know someone who has known me that long.
But today it was a sad surprise to think that maybe no one else remembered my Dad's birthday. His mom died about 7 months before he did, in 1998. And his step dad, my sweet surviving grandparent, maybe isn't good at those kind of dates. Would he remember?
My uncle might remember, but I don't know how good he is for birthdays either, even for his brother. My aunt, his wife, may have remembered. It gives me an excuse to call her. I think my Dad was born in 1940, so he would have been 71 today if he had lived. Wow - that would have been something. Hard to imagine him old since he died pretty young. 57.
Seemed old-ish then. Pretty young, now.
He was crazy smart. Like really. Crazy. and Smart. We think he was bipolar, which explains both, sort of. I love that he was a damn good writer and an award winning journalist. I think of him when I see college football marching bands - he was the drum major for the university of florida, one of his proudest achievements.
And he bought me my first horse when I was about 7 or 8. A beautiful quarter horse, Mr. Skip. One day I'll have a horse again. I'll remember who first taught me to ride.
He loved to tell stories and jokes. He gave a lot of compassion to people - so I was told after his death.
Jews have a tradition of lighting a candle each year on the anniversary of someone's death. We remember our dead on certain holidays too (Yom Kippur, etc - see this link for more info). It's said that as long as someone remembers you, you live on in the world. For the first time, I think I'll be making a donation in my Dad's honor. And I'll be lighting a candle :) For his birthday. Sucks that they are so small. Burn out quick.
May his memory be for a blessing. Maybe, at last, he rests in peace.
v
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Acedia & Me: A Marriage, Monks, and a Writer's Life : Kathleen Norris
Found this book at Borders last week for like $6 - great read for the thoughtful and for anyone who has had or had loved ones with depression. Very gentle, hopeful, beautiful, inspiring, insightful.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Long hair?
A good friend once said, after cutting her waist-length locks, that she heard long hair "picks up vibrations" and she did feel not only lighter, but less ... less of an antennae! Loved the images that created.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Beautiful Boy
I read an interesting book over the last few weeks, Beautiful Boy by David Sheff. I bought it almost a year ago (more?) but distractions kept me from it... probably reading vampire books. I have to say that this read was similar to the worst (meaning terrifying) fiction. I tend to avoid sad stories, overly gory movies, anything that might rip my heart out or put images that I can't handle into my head; they come rising unbidden in the dark, or a dark hour.*
Beautiful Boy is the story of a smart, engaged, sweet teenager who starts down the road of addiction and his father's struggle to help him.
So Beautiful Boy sat around for months based on my fear of how bad it would hurt. Instead, when I read it, I got the strange kind of comfort (sick in some ways) that comes from a pernicious half-lie, half-truth: "I am not like this man."
It may be a lousy self-centered excuse to therefore enjoy it, but I got into this book quickly, once I started. Sheff is a very clear writer, and yet didn't give me more info that I needed. I liked that he left some things unstated, like all the emotion that comes up when you see an ex-spouse, collaborative for a child, and you flash back to who you both once were, and how strangely connected you will always be, no matter how long since the divorce.
Sheff quotes a lot of classics, and new materials on addiction, and I lapped that up. It helps me to short-hand big thoughts into paragraphs, much like the cliches of AA and Al-Anon help alcoholics and families of alcoholics. I haven't examined his resources and credits lists, but I'm sure there is plenty of side-trails to follow from his reassuringly professional (think, journalistic) documentation.
There were nights I stayed up way too late to read Beautiful Boy, always a good sign. While I both love and hate this - the lure of a good book versus the 500 lb gorilla (my need for rest) - how could I not recommend it?
It takes a very well written story to stand down a primal need for sleep. And so it goes with the story of Sheff's son fighting addiction. Even with the more modern view that addiction is a disease, it's no less dangerous than a wild, unpredictable animal, and so primal in it's own way. All our advances in modern medicine don't give us pat answers about treatment for addicts, a point that Sheff makes very well with deep research and personal experience.
Sheff's research confirmed my suspicion that the rehab industry is all over the place with theories of what works, various studies that back up their claims of what works, and solid numbers, such as how many times does an addict relapse? Sheff doesn't shy away from all the ambiguity or resulting frustration. In the end you find that even with so much uncertainty there is a way to find some balance. Sheff writes it so well, that while you share his insanity (caused by loving an addict) you also get carried along and only slowly realize all the places in his life where it's crazy, which strikes me as very authentic.
By the way the book's title, I suspect, comes from a John Lennon song. He made a good role-model for those who (wrongly) equate addition/alcoholism with greatness/genius.
Even after years of studying the topic, I found a new reference to remind me that it is our stories that heal, and we have to do the leg work. Sheff has a helluva lot of courage. Anyone who has faced alcoholism, addiction or other "crazy" behavior (aka co-dependency) among their loved ones, or in themselves should check it out.
v
*It took me 5 years as a Jew to read about the Holocaust for instance. I had even coordinated Holocaust Remembrance gatherings for two years in a row, but had never read about the event. The details were too much for me to face. Similarly, when I read about women crossing the Oregon Trails I felt the same way. I read their stories while a big new job was crumbling for me and I was very much at the barrel end of a gun every day (boss was pretty insane), with a teen son fighting with his stepdad nearly every night. Still, somehow at least I had a bathroom and a bed. Women on the frontier had a hellish existence I could appreciate. Not only did their courage make me feel better, and not so fool-hardy, but also the depths of their pain and losses lightened my own a bit. Tragic, true, but at least I wasn't hiking my skirt on the prairie in front of a bunch of men.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
New Ideas in Education
This guy got coverage from NPR over a year ago, but I'm glad Gates has noticed him.
Here is his Kahn Academy website.
When I first heard the story of his success (based on free, short tutorials on youtube.com) I was impressed with the simple beauty - the elegance of the idea. I still haven't had a chance to view his work, but suffice it to say that anything new in educational theory (in this case trying a new delivery method, tho some call them "mcnuggets") is good, in my not so humble opinion.
I love that Gates and his foundation are looking for ways to revamp American education - the entire approach needs to be examined.
And yet I know that no matter how great Kahn is, or how well his "shorts" serve students, there is something missing when we take face-to-fact interaction away from students and teachers.
Being "live" in the flesh doesn't always matter, and if you can't get a real teacher a virtual or long-distance internet version may be the best you can do.
But make no mistake. Fast food is not the same as home cooked. Gourmet meals are not really packaged in the freezer aisle of the grocery story. And online interaction is not anywhere near as good as the communication that happens when two people are in the same room together. Yes, there are advantages, just like heating up a meal in a microwave or driving thru McDonalds, or canned food is sometimes the best you can do in a pinch.
Don't fool yourself. We should be careful what is served to our children and in our colleges - and how it is delivered.
]v
Things Newlyweds Chat about
snopes.com: The Unsolvable Math Problem and Lastest Solved Math Mystery Both of these are great true stories.
For his birthday I bought Stan three small volumes:
50 Mathematical Ideas (you really need to know) by Tony Crilly
50 Physics Ideas (you really need to know) by Joanne Baker
and Natural History Museum (London) Diary for 2010 (full of great photographs with technical details)
I thought they (the first two books anyway) would provide some info on great topics we could explore together, and followed along the lines of our "normal" conversations... at least one branch of our chats.
Many times we find ourselves going from current events to political philosophies. I'm grateful to every single one of my professors (at UGA) for giving me some ground on which to stand during these rigorous examinations of theory and current trends! Believe me, Stan gives me no - zero, nada - intellectual slack.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Happiness
Happiness is so much better than I thought it would be. Last night when tucking G in, we were talking about gratitude and hope. She clearly thinks I'm nuts to be grateful all the time.
I had to tell her there were times in the past few years when I'd given up hope, or almost anyway. It seemed too much to wish for ... more than our daily bread, a roof over our heads, and our health. Loving family and beautiful things were amazing bonuses.
I had to make our world very small for a while. I was fine with this, and knew it was something like incubating, or hibernation...
Recently I've been able to see a path for us. I have dared to look more than a few weeks into the future, a peek. Now I'm thinking again about next year, and bigger goals.
I'm so glad my journey led us to Atlanta, and back to STL for a little while, and closer to NC friends and family for the last 3 years. Now moving again, while physically exhausting, has also been one of the most amazing times.
I think it has to do with gratitude, and our determination to help heal the world, having less needs and less ego, more G-d, lower expectations, higher standards.
I dreamt last night that Stan was saying grace for us over a meal... two different times... I think I said the blessing the second time... shared values means so much. It's a great start.
Small rituals to mark the turning points of our lives, public declarations of love mean a lot, and so does spending time with family and friends. We are so rich.
Love.
v
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Cooking Therapy
Made this on Sunday night for the family. Easy and came out great :) Sent some on the road with my Honey :D Eggplant Parmesan I Recipe - Allrecipes.com ps. did not use fresh basil. I think that would have been nice tho. Did use triple mushroom Classico sauce and roasted garlic sauce. Lunch!
Monday, March 8, 2010
Dating is Like Super Mario
Love is like rice - start with good ingredients, bring to a rolling boil, reduce to a simmer and put a lid on it :)
Dating is like Super Mario - play the game, get the bonus points. You win. Easy.
Actually I think both are hard.
I think the latter is especially hard for men, so I'm going to start there. And you married guys may want a refresher, because of course all good marriages are treated more like dating, at least some of the time, right?
We all know Super Mario, the video game, right? It's invaded the culture, like all kinds of electronic games, and we know that you have a mission, or a maze to travel, and you have to navigate obstacles. This is the "real life" part of living that Mario has to deal with. He has somewhere to go, and he has to jump, run, leap and dodge stuff to get there. He's a man, tho small, and seems to love the challenge.
Along the way he has chances to grab bonus points. This is the extra fun part, because once you learn NOT to fall off ledges, you get to go after what looks, really, like low hanging fruit, or coins, and BA BING you get MORE points!! How cool!
But if you get lots of bonus points, and still can't navigate the basics, you lose, at least that life. No matter how many bonus points you got along the way. And if you don't learn how to get the bonus points you have NO (zero) insurance when you make a mistake and therefore you never really get all that good at climbing the levels (cause you don't get more chances), and are going to be a pretty mediocre player. Who wants that??
So the game is easy. Play the basics, get the bonus points (insurance), you win.
Dating isn't all that hard either. Play the basic game, get the bonus points, you win.
Here's the trouble. Lots of folks are great at one (the basics) or the other (bonus points) and then they can't understand why they keep losing!
So I've been telling my guy friends the Secret lately. Figure out what you aren't good at and do it more!
Big Grin.
This means, for some guys who are so good at the basics of life, (they work, make a good living, and know how to balance having a personal life with the demands of being a responsible adult) that they need to go for more bonus points.
For other guys, who have the bonus point system down that they have to get better at the basics - start playing the game consistently.
The Basics
Sometimes this means working more, but a lot of times it means working less and balancing your life better. It could mean stabilizing your financial house, or getting your ex-wife out of your hair (better known as fencing in the three headed monster). For some guys you have children that need you, and you have to learn to make room for a love life. Other men have children who DON'T need them, but will hang on perpetually slurping from Daddy's Money Fountain forever, unless you start showing some backbone, and respect them (and yourself) enough to cut them off.
Some guys need to finish school. Others need to start. And one or two men out there need to learn some very basic things like "Go to the doctor once in a while." and "Don't try to have a bunch of women or flirtations, 'cause you ain't that good."
Do what you say you are going to do, and call or text your lady once a day, whether dating, married or shackin' up. Try to be sweet once in a while. But if you are naturally somewhat gruff (Stan the Elder) then you can rely on bonus points :)
So those are some basics. Just normal grown up stuff.
The bonus points are totally fun.
These are so easy. And yet so many guys just don't get it/them.
Bonus points come from things you know about but like to pretend you forget! (Newsflash: We women are on to you!)
Easiest bonus points : flowers. Candy. Jewelery (even costume jewelery). Nice dinner out. Movie with popcorn and sodas. Call or text everyday (yeah, it's basic, but the more consistent you are the more she loves it)
Mouth-breathing, knuckle dragging guys can figure out the easy bonus points. Funny thing is that so many pretty sophisticated guys forget the easy ones. lol
Medium bonus points:
- Movie that isn't violent with popcorn and soda and holding hands.
- Dinner at home that you cook together.
- Going to a place she loves - day trip like antique stores, or a park.
- Sweet texts or calls or emails.
- Sending her a link to a romantic song
- Taking out the trash without any reminders :)
- Fueling up her car, getting it washed
- Hanging in bed with her on a weekend with coffee you made and the newspaper. Taking her to brunch.
- A picnic you put together. Pick a good spot. If it's cold bring blankets and find a sunny rock :)
- Open doors for her, even the car door once in a while.
- Teach her something you love - pool, fishing, hunting, racing, mud wrestling (jk), Shakespeare, Chamber music, geocaching, rare books, good wines.
- Do chores and fix things willingly, with and without her.
- Don't bite when she's stressed out and needs a hug. (Ask first - hugging a pissed off Woman without warning can be hazardous)
- Rub her feet. Understand that high heels are an American form of Chinese foot binding.
Major Bonus Points
- Getting her car serviced. Yeah, even just an oil change. BIG points if you do it yourself.
- Going to a chick flick - with popcorn, soda and snuggling
- Going to a social event and making her look good. Dress the part. Respectfully letting people know she's hot ;) Making sure you can drive home.
- Start (or keep) opening doors for her. If you do it sometimes, do it more.
- Take her to a concert she really wants to go to - extra bonus points if you don't really love Celene Dion or Elton John, but you go anyway.
- Big jewelery, of course is always big big bonus points. Stuff that makes her friends gasp is going to do you some good for a LONG time :)
- Making dinner (something she likes and you can do well) without her and adding music, wine and candles.
- Take her on a trip - a weekend or a week. Somewhere romantic, just the two of you and let your hair down. Could be camping, but could be a cruise. Whatever works.
- Get her something she's been learning with you - a fishing rod, a wine basket, a CD of the music you both love.
- Listen to a problem she's having without offering advice. Help her decide what SHE wants to do about it. (hint: ask a lot of questions, let her ramble)
- When she's upset/tense/out of sorts, be sweet. Learn the three Golden Scripts :
"It sounds like you've had a hard day."
"Want to tell me about it?"
"Is there anything I can do to help?" - Do chores and fix things without her asking
- And the classic, but true: Give her a back rub and don't ask for sex :) (but let her ask ;) (no kidding hint: if you divide up chores evenly, or help her with hers, then she's gonna have more energy for the fun stuff )
So easy, bonus points. Not all the time, not always the same ones, and never always at the same level, but if you can play the game, and get the low hanging fruit too, then trust me you win.
And of course the same goes for women. Just different different different stuff to do.
hmmm... I guess I better get on that blog entry - what women can do for guys :) (and it's not just show up naked. With beer lol)
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Caring for Your Introvert
Great, funny article. Having been married to one, and now dating someone who is borderline (maybe), I have to concur with most of this article. On the other hand, perhaps the highest compliment he's ever given me was, "I've never wanted to tell you to shut the {heck} up."
Caring for Your Introvert - The Atlantic (March 2003)
Caring for Your Introvert - The Atlantic (March 2003)
Sunday, September 20, 2009
What's Behind the Anger? - George's Bottom Line
I really like George Stephanopolous and follow him on Twitter. One day I'll find an easy way to link to his Twitaccount. Ok, that wasn't really hard. Spelling his name was harder.
I liked his post What's Behind the Anger? - George's Bottom Line, about how there is so much vitriol and anger on health care reform.
It's similar to this story, out just today, about a Facebook poll about killing Obama, and the increase in hate rhetoric over the summer.
I suspect that a lot of the passions come from people being mired in fear right now. Fears about the economy, swine flu, retirement and our health care, as well as other seasonal stuff like the storms that swept Atlanta and flooded us out.
I've even found myself dreaming of the floods, tho I didn't seem as affected during. I was and am deeply concerned, but didn't worry or fret over it. Nonetheless, mud and rising waters show up in my sleep, along with concerns about caring for my children.
In one dream, children were being catapulted! (I love how my dreaming brain talks to me!) It probably had to do with launching children into an adult world before their time, as well as my fears about how to be a good Mom during all this transition in our lives.
Last week I remember also thinking about how teens so need their parents, and it is our job to remain available and diligent in raising them, even when they pretend to hate us, not need us, and fight to pull away.
A few years ago NPR did an excellent story on the topic. But that is another post, another day.
v
I liked his post What's Behind the Anger? - George's Bottom Line, about how there is so much vitriol and anger on health care reform.
It's similar to this story, out just today, about a Facebook poll about killing Obama, and the increase in hate rhetoric over the summer.
I suspect that a lot of the passions come from people being mired in fear right now. Fears about the economy, swine flu, retirement and our health care, as well as other seasonal stuff like the storms that swept Atlanta and flooded us out.
I've even found myself dreaming of the floods, tho I didn't seem as affected during. I was and am deeply concerned, but didn't worry or fret over it. Nonetheless, mud and rising waters show up in my sleep, along with concerns about caring for my children.
In one dream, children were being catapulted! (I love how my dreaming brain talks to me!) It probably had to do with launching children into an adult world before their time, as well as my fears about how to be a good Mom during all this transition in our lives.
Last week I remember also thinking about how teens so need their parents, and it is our job to remain available and diligent in raising them, even when they pretend to hate us, not need us, and fight to pull away.
A few years ago NPR did an excellent story on the topic. But that is another post, another day.
v
Thursday, September 10, 2009
URban Legend: Relatiolution | UR Chicago
found this months ago - learning new blogging tools (thanks google) and so a few extra posts tonight (thanks insomnia :)
URban Legend: Relatiolution | UR Chicago: "We’re always becoming different people as time goes on. I probably would have nothing in common with “Byrons of Byron Past”. Things are always going to change within our selves. It’s in that evolution where we have to learn how to accept that if our selves are allowed to change and become better than you have to trust your relationship’s evolutions will only get better. In the end, the evolution of our selves affects the evolutions of our relationships."
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Conflict
As a friend recently pointed out, it's part of life. Heck, maybe it IS life!
Friction, push-back, wrangling. It's internal, external, political (meaning we don't like it and is largely unnecessary), systemic or isolated.
And we have to deal with it.
Without it gardens don't grow, living creatures don't hunt and kill each other, babies aren't made and born, children don't leave the nest, and old people don't fight to stay alive for one more Christmas. To say nothing of the struggle between good and evil.
I wrote this morning that one of the best ways to make a power struggle go away, with a child, is (sometimes) to do something unexpected. Drop the conflict and see if they want a hug. Apologize for the struggle or at least empathize that it's hard, right there, in that moment.
In my house we use the joke "Somebody needs a hug." or "Does somebody need a hug?"
If they refuse, drop it and go back to fighting.
Lol. Actually the cool thing is you just shifted the nature of the conflict by walking around it to the other side. You probably won't go back to the same place, which is good. This is a great time to drop it (if you can) and pick it up later. Or hold your position, but take a strategic time out.
What is astonishing is how often it works, cause the kid doesn't want to fight you. They don't want to be so conflicted about what they will wear to school. They feel bad about forgetting to do the dishes, and are mad at themselves for it. They truly are at least a little afraid to go to that particular party, even tho they will die if they don't go!
When you train a filly or colt, you start as soon as they are born, and treat them gently, but confidently. As you ask for more, you give more, and you never assume the job is done. Only idiots train by crushing.
It's not capitulation to drop your defenses and offenses with a kid, and just remember that The Point is to raise a strong healthy child into a confident adult. Ergo conflict. If the kid doesn't start standing up to you, then what do you expect them to do when someone offers them a joint?
If you crush their spirit, they'll learn not to trust their inner voice. Destroys their sense of worth and value. Decimates the very strengths you are trying to help them create.
Now think about your partner.
Sam Ting*.
Next conflict, reach beyond the moment of anger and frustration with him or her. Same principles apply as with a kid: Respect both of you, step out of the immediate moment and think about your love for this person, then offer compassion - for both of you.
Power struggles exist for a reason. Smile. And it isn't necessarily lack of respect (child to elder or partner to partner) but often just a demand to be heard. To be valued. Sometimes the question is "How much do you love me?" as much as it is "Who is in charge?"
The cool thing is that while real love is unconditional, it also doesn't put up with any crap.
What we are trying to remind our children, our partners and even ourselves, is that our devotion is unlimited. But we aren't backing down on the important stuff.
No, you cannot get a tattoo. Yes, we can talk about a belly-button ring. No, I am not buying a new car because you feel like a Mommy Van is demeaning. If you want to buy yourself a new car, fine. But we agreed on this budget and we have to agree on a new one.
By the way, notice that you pretty much HAVE to be centered, or grounded, to accomplish this cool move. If you are really lost in your own anger or issues, or fearful about your true level of authority, or freaking out inside about how to pay the bills, you can't execute this. Plant your feet, bend your knees and breathe before you try this at home.
or at the office ;)
peace out,
v
*Sam Ting refers to a great joke. Remind me and I'll tell it, in the comments. I use it to mean "same thing".
Friction, push-back, wrangling. It's internal, external, political (meaning we don't like it and is largely unnecessary), systemic or isolated.
And we have to deal with it.
Without it gardens don't grow, living creatures don't hunt and kill each other, babies aren't made and born, children don't leave the nest, and old people don't fight to stay alive for one more Christmas. To say nothing of the struggle between good and evil.
I wrote this morning that one of the best ways to make a power struggle go away, with a child, is (sometimes) to do something unexpected. Drop the conflict and see if they want a hug. Apologize for the struggle or at least empathize that it's hard, right there, in that moment.
In my house we use the joke "Somebody needs a hug." or "Does somebody need a hug?"
If they refuse, drop it and go back to fighting.
Lol. Actually the cool thing is you just shifted the nature of the conflict by walking around it to the other side. You probably won't go back to the same place, which is good. This is a great time to drop it (if you can) and pick it up later. Or hold your position, but take a strategic time out.
What is astonishing is how often it works, cause the kid doesn't want to fight you. They don't want to be so conflicted about what they will wear to school. They feel bad about forgetting to do the dishes, and are mad at themselves for it. They truly are at least a little afraid to go to that particular party, even tho they will die if they don't go!
When you train a filly or colt, you start as soon as they are born, and treat them gently, but confidently. As you ask for more, you give more, and you never assume the job is done. Only idiots train by crushing.
It's not capitulation to drop your defenses and offenses with a kid, and just remember that The Point is to raise a strong healthy child into a confident adult. Ergo conflict. If the kid doesn't start standing up to you, then what do you expect them to do when someone offers them a joint?
If you crush their spirit, they'll learn not to trust their inner voice. Destroys their sense of worth and value. Decimates the very strengths you are trying to help them create.
Now think about your partner.
Sam Ting*.
Next conflict, reach beyond the moment of anger and frustration with him or her. Same principles apply as with a kid: Respect both of you, step out of the immediate moment and think about your love for this person, then offer compassion - for both of you.
Power struggles exist for a reason. Smile. And it isn't necessarily lack of respect (child to elder or partner to partner) but often just a demand to be heard. To be valued. Sometimes the question is "How much do you love me?" as much as it is "Who is in charge?"
The cool thing is that while real love is unconditional, it also doesn't put up with any crap.
What we are trying to remind our children, our partners and even ourselves, is that our devotion is unlimited. But we aren't backing down on the important stuff.
No, you cannot get a tattoo. Yes, we can talk about a belly-button ring. No, I am not buying a new car because you feel like a Mommy Van is demeaning. If you want to buy yourself a new car, fine. But we agreed on this budget and we have to agree on a new one.
By the way, notice that you pretty much HAVE to be centered, or grounded, to accomplish this cool move. If you are really lost in your own anger or issues, or fearful about your true level of authority, or freaking out inside about how to pay the bills, you can't execute this. Plant your feet, bend your knees and breathe before you try this at home.
or at the office ;)
peace out,
v
*Sam Ting refers to a great joke. Remind me and I'll tell it, in the comments. I use it to mean "same thing".
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Dads and Fathers and Real Men
It's a beautiful day in Atlanta. Which is to say that at noon it's less than 90 degrees and the humidity doesn't knock you to your knees as soon as you walk out the front door.
I love being here with my Dad and Mom. I'm sure my sleepy hug around his shoulders this morning wasn't as cute as when I dove into his arms at 4 years old, many many moons ago, but maybe it means more in a small way. He helped get me this far. Still sustains me with his faith in me.
He spent a lot of years working grueling jobs in kitchens and the restaurant industry to take care of us. When his heart got squirrely and he had to be on disability, he helped support us with a fruit and vegetable stand on Memorial Drive and then later, once healed up, with computer work - back when they needed people to change reel to reel tapes. (lol) There were some years in high school that I'd work until closing at Wendy's and then he'd pick me up to go with him to help deliver the Sunday papers in boxes all over the city before dawn so the bills got paid.
Those were hard times, with me working two jobs, sometimes without our having much in the fridge, but they made me stronger.
There were five of us kids, and he managed to put food on the table, keep us off the streets, and sometimes even had some wisdom to share.
When I turned 16 he gave me a $100 bill and commiserated with how hard it was to be a teen, remembering his own youth. Then he paused, and pointedly said, "As hard as it is to be a teenager, honey, just know... that it's all downhill from here on out."
(Being an irritatingly eternal optimist, I have always wondered if "all downhill" means it's going to go to crap, or it's all easy, like when you coast down a hill on your bike?)
I took it with the conflicted cynical view of a teen. Now I see it as a paradox, that "downhill" means both entropy and coasting. It's the path of least resistance.
Dad took a lot of those paths, like we all do. But I'm still impressed that he did the things that had to be done. These days, when I play barmaid, I appreciate all over again that work is work, and while all of it has dignity, it ain't easy!
My biggest struggle is to tame my monkey mind, when work is slow. I joke that I'm about to chew my leg off, when everything has been cleaned, and there aren't any customers, and interesting conversations with co-workers and patrons have dwindled.
I imagine Dad had the same struggles, being gifted with a quick wit and mind. It makes his work all the more meaningful, to know that while he did manage plenty of restaurants, and was a "turn around" guru, that he mostly just had to do the grind - deal with kids who didn't show up for work, customers who couldn't be made happy, and stupid accidents on the prep line.
But this is what Dads do. They do what has to be done. And this is what Daddy taught me - that you do what you have to do and you get through.
Unlike fatherhood, so exalted on this day, it takes more than sperm to be a Dad. Real Men become Dads. They don't let the grind of work or other daily distractions keep them from being role models to their kids. They work hard but they also show up at games, and take their kids fishing, or maybe just make breakfast on weekends. They cook on the grill, light fireworks, and fix the cars and then somehow let you cry when you bust your knee, but don't let you wallow in it.
Anyone can become a biological father - I had one of those too. He meant well but could never fully step into the role. It required more sacrifice than he could make. We repaired some of that before he died, in '98, but not enough. Fact was he didn't know how to do relationships, tho he tried. Because I was blessed with my Dad, John, my biological Father didn't have to try to fill those big ole shoes. I think Edwin was happier on the sidelines.
Dads figure out how to stay connected to their kids. They let their kids grow up, refusing to do for us, and push us to do for ourselves, learn from our mistakes. They encourage us and exhort us to become more.
We want more than anything to make them proud. That's because approval doesn't come easy. Ideally, we have to earn their respect. But never doubt their love.
And while they become more human, imperfect and even maybe a bit frail as we all age, we know that they did their best, and that is how Dads keep our respect.
The best Dads make the best husbands too - they show their kids how to love and respect themselves, AND the woman in their life. They keep their word, and slog thru good times and bad in a marriage. They put their wives in the front seat - as partner, and helpmate. They are romantic and sweet and show how grateful they are for a woman who loves them all the way thru. Despite their faults.
Even tho they got divorced years ago, Daddy dancing with Mommy was one of the most important lessons I ever learned. That's what love looks like.
Great Dads demonstrate courage and how to have fun, and think deeply about things, even if it's just how a trout sees the world. And they teach us those things, sometimes directly, but often just by doing stuff with you.
Ultimately, it's about having a shoulder isn't it? A shoulder to cry on, a shoulder to hug, a shoulder to lean on, and laughter that makes you pound on that same shoulder, in tears.
Over breakfast today Mom and I were talking about hawks. I mentioned that a red-tailed tried to take my biggest hen, years ago, tho she was at least 10 - 12 pounds. Mom asked if it killed her. Shortly I replied, frowning, "No, I did."
Well, Mom and Dad weren't going to let that go. I had to confess, squirming inside, that I'd put the hen, injured, into a box with sevin dust because I thought she had mites. They laughed like hell, (I had to join in) and Daddy commented I should have buried her under the tomatoes (which need sevin dust sometimes).
Then he reminded me of the goldfish I killed, at age 7, while cleaning the bowl with hot water. (How was I to know they didn't like hot water? I didn't use soap!)
What a sweet moment, with a man who has informed more of my life than he'll ever know. From my love of country music (which he calls American Opera), to my appreciation for a corny sense of humour, to my passion for dancing, to my taste in men.
See, he's not just my Dad, he's Daddy. Still growing and changing, even if some of that is more crusty and bad tempered. Hell, he's earned it. Still inspires me to do more, while he's still creating trouble, if no longer on a Harley.
Love you Dear Old Dad :D
v
I love being here with my Dad and Mom. I'm sure my sleepy hug around his shoulders this morning wasn't as cute as when I dove into his arms at 4 years old, many many moons ago, but maybe it means more in a small way. He helped get me this far. Still sustains me with his faith in me.
He spent a lot of years working grueling jobs in kitchens and the restaurant industry to take care of us. When his heart got squirrely and he had to be on disability, he helped support us with a fruit and vegetable stand on Memorial Drive and then later, once healed up, with computer work - back when they needed people to change reel to reel tapes. (lol) There were some years in high school that I'd work until closing at Wendy's and then he'd pick me up to go with him to help deliver the Sunday papers in boxes all over the city before dawn so the bills got paid.
Those were hard times, with me working two jobs, sometimes without our having much in the fridge, but they made me stronger.
There were five of us kids, and he managed to put food on the table, keep us off the streets, and sometimes even had some wisdom to share.
When I turned 16 he gave me a $100 bill and commiserated with how hard it was to be a teen, remembering his own youth. Then he paused, and pointedly said, "As hard as it is to be a teenager, honey, just know... that it's all downhill from here on out."
(Being an irritatingly eternal optimist, I have always wondered if "all downhill" means it's going to go to crap, or it's all easy, like when you coast down a hill on your bike?)
I took it with the conflicted cynical view of a teen. Now I see it as a paradox, that "downhill" means both entropy and coasting. It's the path of least resistance.
Dad took a lot of those paths, like we all do. But I'm still impressed that he did the things that had to be done. These days, when I play barmaid, I appreciate all over again that work is work, and while all of it has dignity, it ain't easy!
My biggest struggle is to tame my monkey mind, when work is slow. I joke that I'm about to chew my leg off, when everything has been cleaned, and there aren't any customers, and interesting conversations with co-workers and patrons have dwindled.
I imagine Dad had the same struggles, being gifted with a quick wit and mind. It makes his work all the more meaningful, to know that while he did manage plenty of restaurants, and was a "turn around" guru, that he mostly just had to do the grind - deal with kids who didn't show up for work, customers who couldn't be made happy, and stupid accidents on the prep line.
But this is what Dads do. They do what has to be done. And this is what Daddy taught me - that you do what you have to do and you get through.
Unlike fatherhood, so exalted on this day, it takes more than sperm to be a Dad. Real Men become Dads. They don't let the grind of work or other daily distractions keep them from being role models to their kids. They work hard but they also show up at games, and take their kids fishing, or maybe just make breakfast on weekends. They cook on the grill, light fireworks, and fix the cars and then somehow let you cry when you bust your knee, but don't let you wallow in it.
Anyone can become a biological father - I had one of those too. He meant well but could never fully step into the role. It required more sacrifice than he could make. We repaired some of that before he died, in '98, but not enough. Fact was he didn't know how to do relationships, tho he tried. Because I was blessed with my Dad, John, my biological Father didn't have to try to fill those big ole shoes. I think Edwin was happier on the sidelines.
Dads figure out how to stay connected to their kids. They let their kids grow up, refusing to do for us, and push us to do for ourselves, learn from our mistakes. They encourage us and exhort us to become more.
We want more than anything to make them proud. That's because approval doesn't come easy. Ideally, we have to earn their respect. But never doubt their love.
And while they become more human, imperfect and even maybe a bit frail as we all age, we know that they did their best, and that is how Dads keep our respect.
The best Dads make the best husbands too - they show their kids how to love and respect themselves, AND the woman in their life. They keep their word, and slog thru good times and bad in a marriage. They put their wives in the front seat - as partner, and helpmate. They are romantic and sweet and show how grateful they are for a woman who loves them all the way thru. Despite their faults.
Even tho they got divorced years ago, Daddy dancing with Mommy was one of the most important lessons I ever learned. That's what love looks like.
Great Dads demonstrate courage and how to have fun, and think deeply about things, even if it's just how a trout sees the world. And they teach us those things, sometimes directly, but often just by doing stuff with you.
Ultimately, it's about having a shoulder isn't it? A shoulder to cry on, a shoulder to hug, a shoulder to lean on, and laughter that makes you pound on that same shoulder, in tears.
Over breakfast today Mom and I were talking about hawks. I mentioned that a red-tailed tried to take my biggest hen, years ago, tho she was at least 10 - 12 pounds. Mom asked if it killed her. Shortly I replied, frowning, "No, I did."
Well, Mom and Dad weren't going to let that go. I had to confess, squirming inside, that I'd put the hen, injured, into a box with sevin dust because I thought she had mites. They laughed like hell, (I had to join in) and Daddy commented I should have buried her under the tomatoes (which need sevin dust sometimes).
Then he reminded me of the goldfish I killed, at age 7, while cleaning the bowl with hot water. (How was I to know they didn't like hot water? I didn't use soap!)
What a sweet moment, with a man who has informed more of my life than he'll ever know. From my love of country music (which he calls American Opera), to my appreciation for a corny sense of humour, to my passion for dancing, to my taste in men.
See, he's not just my Dad, he's Daddy. Still growing and changing, even if some of that is more crusty and bad tempered. Hell, he's earned it. Still inspires me to do more, while he's still creating trouble, if no longer on a Harley.
Love you Dear Old Dad :D
v
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
How to Lose a Gal
I wrote this list a few weeks ago and it cracked me and a best friend up. She added her own, so you won't know which are mine or hers :) Also, it's wisdom I've collected over an entire life (ALL my life) of dating. Ok, except for those 20 years I was married (lol)
1. Be really romantic and solid at first, then get all flaky.
2. Don't like what she cooks. Complain or go eat out - alone.
3. Don’t offer to help with the dishes after she cooks dinner.
4. Skip the housework – yours, hers, ours.
5. Don’t offer to do her small household repairs or help with yard work.
6. If you can do repairs, act like you can’t.
7. Procrastinate on everything.
8. Make big plans but don’t do anything to make them happen. Blame her.
9. Don't save any money.
10. Blame her when you're broke.
11. Join a band. Practice in the garage. Late.
12. Ask her to move in with you, then complain about all her stuff.
13. Boss her kids around.
14. Yell a lot.
15. Don't have a clue about how to make up. Forget all the flowers guys give on TV and in movies. Play dumb.
16. Never swallow your pride or admit you're wrong. It's not your fault!
17. Never just give her a hug when she's mad.
18. Be grumpy about little stuff.
19. Be nitpicky. Perfectionism rules!
20. Get mad if she leaves the room during an argument to cool off.
21. Follow her and say more stuff.
22. Tell her you plan to get back in shape, but don't.
23. Be excited when she buys you a great road bike, but don’t use it.
24. Gloat secretly that you can lose weight by thinking about it, and she has to work out.
25. Wonder who she might be meeting when she works out.
26. Don't surprise her with little gestures of affection.
27. Get affectionate only when you’re trying to “get lucky”.
28. Stay mad for a long time.
29. Wonder why you don’t “get lucky”. Be resentful about it.
30. Make her call you when you're going to be late.
31. Drive her car all the time. Don't pay for gas.
32. Expect really big gifts on holidays and your birthday.
33. Don't reciprocate. Don’t plan anything at all.
34. Be spontaneous all the time.
35. Try to laugh off flubbed dates that you didn’t plan. Better yet, make it her fault.
36. Forget important dates.
37. Tell her not to worry about your kids. None of her business. She’s not their mom!
38. Expect her to love your kids.
39. HATE girls night out.
40. Ask where she is all the time.
41. Read her email.
42. Call her when she is out with her friends - repeatedly.
43. Refuse to play games in the sack, or follow directions.
44. Hate chick flicks - go, but complain a lot.
45. Be surly to her friends. Don't socialize if you can help it. Except with your friends.
46. Be jealous of her friends.
47. Don’t dance – be jealous when she dances. Even if she loves it and is good at it. Hate that she takes lessons.
48. Don’t take dance lessons with her.
49. Be mean to her in public. Start arguments over dinner.
50. Don't ask how her day was.
51. When she’s going thru a hard time, don’t ask how you can help.
52. Don't talk about the tough stuff. Avoid conflict at all costs.
53. Take your stress out on her.
54. Don't forgive her mistakes.
55. Be moody.
56. Accuse her of all kinds of things. Make stuff up.
57. Bring drama into her life. Not the good kind.
58. Lose your job.
59. Let her support you for a year (more if you can get it)
60. Still don't do the housework.
61. Don't be vulnerable.
62. Attack when you feel insecure.
63. Bring out or develop a mean streak.
64. Save up lots of money and don't tell her about it.
65. Develop your road rage talents.
66. Drive fast and dangerous.
67. Be rude. Pick on clerks.
68. Talk bad about people behind their back.
69. Hate your mother.
70. Be or get addictive about something! Video games, work, drinking, sex, your scrips... offer them to her!
71. Be disappointed when she doesn't share your addiction.
72. Talk about old heartbreak and ex-girlfriends.
73. Cheat.
74. Lie.
75. Steal.
76. Swear like a sailor. Be shocked if she cusses.
77. Love it when she looks nice. Assume she does it to make you look good.
78. Hate it when guys look at her.
79. Pretend you're smarter than she is.
80. Ask to wear her clothes.
It's all about you!
1. Be really romantic and solid at first, then get all flaky.
2. Don't like what she cooks. Complain or go eat out - alone.
3. Don’t offer to help with the dishes after she cooks dinner.
4. Skip the housework – yours, hers, ours.
5. Don’t offer to do her small household repairs or help with yard work.
6. If you can do repairs, act like you can’t.
7. Procrastinate on everything.
8. Make big plans but don’t do anything to make them happen. Blame her.
9. Don't save any money.
10. Blame her when you're broke.
11. Join a band. Practice in the garage. Late.
12. Ask her to move in with you, then complain about all her stuff.
13. Boss her kids around.
14. Yell a lot.
15. Don't have a clue about how to make up. Forget all the flowers guys give on TV and in movies. Play dumb.
16. Never swallow your pride or admit you're wrong. It's not your fault!
17. Never just give her a hug when she's mad.
18. Be grumpy about little stuff.
19. Be nitpicky. Perfectionism rules!
20. Get mad if she leaves the room during an argument to cool off.
21. Follow her and say more stuff.
22. Tell her you plan to get back in shape, but don't.
23. Be excited when she buys you a great road bike, but don’t use it.
24. Gloat secretly that you can lose weight by thinking about it, and she has to work out.
25. Wonder who she might be meeting when she works out.
26. Don't surprise her with little gestures of affection.
27. Get affectionate only when you’re trying to “get lucky”.
28. Stay mad for a long time.
29. Wonder why you don’t “get lucky”. Be resentful about it.
30. Make her call you when you're going to be late.
31. Drive her car all the time. Don't pay for gas.
32. Expect really big gifts on holidays and your birthday.
33. Don't reciprocate. Don’t plan anything at all.
34. Be spontaneous all the time.
35. Try to laugh off flubbed dates that you didn’t plan. Better yet, make it her fault.
36. Forget important dates.
37. Tell her not to worry about your kids. None of her business. She’s not their mom!
38. Expect her to love your kids.
39. HATE girls night out.
40. Ask where she is all the time.
41. Read her email.
42. Call her when she is out with her friends - repeatedly.
43. Refuse to play games in the sack, or follow directions.
44. Hate chick flicks - go, but complain a lot.
45. Be surly to her friends. Don't socialize if you can help it. Except with your friends.
46. Be jealous of her friends.
47. Don’t dance – be jealous when she dances. Even if she loves it and is good at it. Hate that she takes lessons.
48. Don’t take dance lessons with her.
49. Be mean to her in public. Start arguments over dinner.
50. Don't ask how her day was.
51. When she’s going thru a hard time, don’t ask how you can help.
52. Don't talk about the tough stuff. Avoid conflict at all costs.
53. Take your stress out on her.
54. Don't forgive her mistakes.
55. Be moody.
56. Accuse her of all kinds of things. Make stuff up.
57. Bring drama into her life. Not the good kind.
58. Lose your job.
59. Let her support you for a year (more if you can get it)
60. Still don't do the housework.
61. Don't be vulnerable.
62. Attack when you feel insecure.
63. Bring out or develop a mean streak.
64. Save up lots of money and don't tell her about it.
65. Develop your road rage talents.
66. Drive fast and dangerous.
67. Be rude. Pick on clerks.
68. Talk bad about people behind their back.
69. Hate your mother.
70. Be or get addictive about something! Video games, work, drinking, sex, your scrips... offer them to her!
71. Be disappointed when she doesn't share your addiction.
72. Talk about old heartbreak and ex-girlfriends.
73. Cheat.
74. Lie.
75. Steal.
76. Swear like a sailor. Be shocked if she cusses.
77. Love it when she looks nice. Assume she does it to make you look good.
78. Hate it when guys look at her.
79. Pretend you're smarter than she is.
80. Ask to wear her clothes.
It's all about you!
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Power and Trust
(written at the end of July)
I once thought safety and progress came from power - now I see these as only partly true. Remembering that I'm wired for progress, as sure as the sun rises, then I was always looking for power. Unconsciously, subconsciously, but nonetheless, it was a key theme.
Back Then my notions of power were centered around the intellectual, emotional, sensual and sheer loudness factors. I abused my first husband with intellectual prowess, and the second with emotional superiority. Neither served me or the marriages well, and I now see that it was foolhardy at best. Destructive at worst. (Can I get a witness!?)
I've tried the traditional forms of power, and found that many men, friends and family wanted to stay with the "witty factor" or the "intimidation game". I can strongly report that in the long run these are false idols, easily crushed in the light of introspection. Sure, it's fun to be witty or sexy, etc. but in the long run it takes too much energy to be edgy or svelte at all times.
It's like faith. Surface things come and go, but G-d is consistent, as is true power.
Today I see power as something that best comes from harnessing our fears and working from a place of compassion and peace. There is a profound difference, when you are willing to crack yourself open for love, to work from kindness, and set good boundaries.
Authority from this place of authentic power strengthens all those who receive it, learn under it.
It's interesting to watch how much energy people put into their particular favorite forms of power. If they are all about being funny, or smart or sexy, I know that they are still looking for authentic power. It's usually a side-effect of immaturity, but not always. Sometimes it's a defense mechanism :)
In serious intentional relationships we have to start with trust and build from there. This means mutual power and mutual interest (which affects power). You have to trust the Other to at least give a damn, Scarlet.
And be smart enough to see your blind spots.
Nothing else makes any sense without the context and foundation of "I believe you" at the base. This includes the corollaries, "I believe in you." and "I believe you care about me enough to not hurt me intentionally."
What happens without trust? Suspicions, accusations and conflict. Relationships fall apart, deals are broken, clients lost, marriages fail, children leave angry and bitter.
So what engenders trust? Certainly acting faithful, trustworthy. Just as love is not a feeling, but an action; a series of a million acts, trust is a billion acts of ethical lovingkindness, both to ourselves and to another.
How do trust and ethics link up? Simple, if someone is ethical you trust them. When they aren't, you don't. Even if you can't understand why you don't trust them, if you really pay attention you'll realize it was some unethical, or untrustworthy act.
Now consider people you consider to be very ethical. Normally that translates to deep trust as well. These are the people you set up as executors of your estate, AND you sleep at night.
But being trustworthy is also about being capable. If you trust someone to administer your estate because you know them to be ethical, but they've never touched complicated financial matters, you may be naïve (at best). And you're setting yourself up for disappointment and maybe even resentment.
This brings us around to the very large question of what are people capable of? We never really know, do we?
Dr. Randy Pausch, who died recently, said to give people time, and they will impress you. I absolutely agree with this. And yet look at how little time we give to those around us to do it better.
This is where that loving support in a relationship comes up. Let's call it compassion in action. If you can replace frustration with compassion, you've simply changed your frame of reference.
And even if someone doesn't respond, at least you know you approached it - the misunderstanding, the conflict, or broken promises - the best way possible. With loving kindness. Let's face it, not everyone wants to see their blind spots. (grin)
v
I once thought safety and progress came from power - now I see these as only partly true. Remembering that I'm wired for progress, as sure as the sun rises, then I was always looking for power. Unconsciously, subconsciously, but nonetheless, it was a key theme.
Back Then my notions of power were centered around the intellectual, emotional, sensual and sheer loudness factors. I abused my first husband with intellectual prowess, and the second with emotional superiority. Neither served me or the marriages well, and I now see that it was foolhardy at best. Destructive at worst. (Can I get a witness!?)
I've tried the traditional forms of power, and found that many men, friends and family wanted to stay with the "witty factor" or the "intimidation game". I can strongly report that in the long run these are false idols, easily crushed in the light of introspection. Sure, it's fun to be witty or sexy, etc. but in the long run it takes too much energy to be edgy or svelte at all times.
It's like faith. Surface things come and go, but G-d is consistent, as is true power.
Today I see power as something that best comes from harnessing our fears and working from a place of compassion and peace. There is a profound difference, when you are willing to crack yourself open for love, to work from kindness, and set good boundaries.
Authority from this place of authentic power strengthens all those who receive it, learn under it.
It's interesting to watch how much energy people put into their particular favorite forms of power. If they are all about being funny, or smart or sexy, I know that they are still looking for authentic power. It's usually a side-effect of immaturity, but not always. Sometimes it's a defense mechanism :)
In serious intentional relationships we have to start with trust and build from there. This means mutual power and mutual interest (which affects power). You have to trust the Other to at least give a damn, Scarlet.
And be smart enough to see your blind spots.
Nothing else makes any sense without the context and foundation of "I believe you" at the base. This includes the corollaries, "I believe in you." and "I believe you care about me enough to not hurt me intentionally."
What happens without trust? Suspicions, accusations and conflict. Relationships fall apart, deals are broken, clients lost, marriages fail, children leave angry and bitter.
So what engenders trust? Certainly acting faithful, trustworthy. Just as love is not a feeling, but an action; a series of a million acts, trust is a billion acts of ethical lovingkindness, both to ourselves and to another.
How do trust and ethics link up? Simple, if someone is ethical you trust them. When they aren't, you don't. Even if you can't understand why you don't trust them, if you really pay attention you'll realize it was some unethical, or untrustworthy act.
Now consider people you consider to be very ethical. Normally that translates to deep trust as well. These are the people you set up as executors of your estate, AND you sleep at night.
But being trustworthy is also about being capable. If you trust someone to administer your estate because you know them to be ethical, but they've never touched complicated financial matters, you may be naïve (at best). And you're setting yourself up for disappointment and maybe even resentment.
This brings us around to the very large question of what are people capable of? We never really know, do we?
Dr. Randy Pausch, who died recently, said to give people time, and they will impress you. I absolutely agree with this. And yet look at how little time we give to those around us to do it better.
This is where that loving support in a relationship comes up. Let's call it compassion in action. If you can replace frustration with compassion, you've simply changed your frame of reference.
And even if someone doesn't respond, at least you know you approached it - the misunderstanding, the conflict, or broken promises - the best way possible. With loving kindness. Let's face it, not everyone wants to see their blind spots. (grin)
v
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