Relationships are like Leggos

My first big class - as a trainer - was in I guess early 1990. I'd taught before, so could handle a large group. Maybe 50 people were in this Excel class. First level spreadsheets, and desktops had only been out for a few years, laptops even less. People needed knowledge, guidance. I had been on spreadsheets for 4 years! An old pro.

Still that was a lot of people for my 27 year old self to handle.

A few days ago I looked at the building where it took place, on Roswell Road in ATL. Next door to one of my favorite stores. I like to pause and just remember where all my training work started, how new and nervous I was, how the world looked to me back then.

The class started well enough, me explaining that a cell is the intersection of a row and a column. Then I talked about cell addresses, A1, A2, B1, B2. Fairly smoothly I chattered along. I wasn't great (that would come later ;) but I had most of the class following along.

But there was one spot of disruption. Someone was getting help from those next to her. When I finally stopped long enough to help, I quickly realized that she didn't get the most fundamental concept. A cell. I asked her to press the spacebar, on the keyboard, and she couldn't find it.

It was a moment of complete melt down.

She was totally overwhelmed, slammed against the wall of her greatest fears, unable to follow the most simple command. She ended up fleeing at the first break. I felt bad for her but we had to muster thru the day.

What's interesting about her and that experience for me was how much I got out of it.

I still identify with that sense of being lost. It gave me a chance to become a great trainer and a much better teacher. I began to make sure everyone in my classes got the fundamental concepts. I refused to teach large classes where I couldn't make eye contact with everyone in those few seconds between sentences, after I'd made an important point.

I learned to start class with some basics: here is what we are going to learn, here is the order of things, here is a question box, where I will put your question if we are not to that topic yet or I need to fit it in somewhere else.

Most important, I learned to describe the learning curve, the way a class (and learning curves) could make you panic, or lost or both. I made it clear that breathing was important. And stopping. Here is the list I refined, in the early 90s. Rules for when you were lost:

1. Don't panic.
2. Stop.
3. Breathe.
4. Ask for help.

Later I added "Listen." before Ask for Help, since I usually repeated myself several times on each step.

Yesterday I realized that in relationships I had missed a fundamental piece many many years ago, much like the woman who didn't understand a cell in spreadsheets. It's very simple, but crucial to the entire fabric, the flow and the understanding of relationships with humans.

I hadn't learned that people connect and disconnect and reconnect.

That's it.

I knew it intellectually, I got it cerebrally. But I hadn't got it at gut level, AND I had suffered a trauma around disconnecting. My biological dad had limited relationship skills, so he and Mom split when I was like 3 or so. Common story. But a child's interpretation of events colored my view. Disconnecting meant Dad went away and didn't come back.

It could happen again. Various deaths reinforced this idea/world view.

Swear, I was in my 40s. Fortys. before someone explained one of the most fundamental concepts of relationships to me, the flow: connect, disconnect, reconnect. Natural, normal.

As I considered this, I slowly realized how BIG this was for me! It was REALLY helpful! I'd been doing it, connecting and disconnecting; after all, you are in relationships all your life. But I had such bad anxiety sometimes I hated myself. I sometimes loved shoving people away, so I didn't have to miss them. But often even that would make me freaky after a while.

So just knowing this ONE thing - simple but so important, helped me relax a little. To find the space bar. (smile). Now it helps me relax a lot.

This last week, 10 days I spent in Georgia and TN. It was good to see everyone, tho I spent most of my time with family, helping out around the house, rescuing cats, normal stuff.  Dad's* cancer is treatable, with better radiation than they had a few years ago. So we are hopeful. Cautiously optimistic. Loving him very much.

We also got to see Mama, my sister, my brother, nieces, friends, etc. All this time was full of connecting moments and disconnecting. And reconnecting.

At the end, as we are parting, sometimes we disconnect gracefully, lovingly. Sometimes with tension and internal growling. But we all kind of trust the process a little more. Yeah, I miss them, miss my college kids - and that longing too comes and goes. (Well, not so much with the college kids, but it mainly just simmers :)

My home is peaceful and beautiful. I know, pretty much, where stuff is. I have work that is worthwhile, that requires my attention. And two cats who are wonderful company, whether I like it or not. There are good friends here too. A daughter who needs me. I love my life.

There are letters to write, to send love, to connect. Gifts to think about and forage for, or make.Small stuff. Good stuff. All of it.

It's good to be home.
v
*Dear Old Dad/ Daddy (not my biological dad, but the Man who Raised me)

Here?! Now?

Dusk in my bedroom. That strange light. Tempted to flip a switch, but I don't.

Quiet house.

Long day of too much firing - cerebral. Also some peaceful empty mind. This helped.

After a movie, overcome by the need to write, I grabbed big index cards from the door pocket of my car, across the passenger seat. Hebrew transliterations would be subsumed for the Muse.

She hadn't been over in a while. It was like a lover, demanding, "Now!"

So I wrote as I drove, and thought about how I could feed her more often, if she would be descending on me with such appetite. But like many things passionate, it was fun and engaging and well, tempered by common sense (just enough) and that lovely familiarity of knowing each other well.

The cornfield I hastily sought out was actually both corn and beans. It took me a couple of hours to notice the distinction. I didn't actually look much. I was busy. Tending her. Just had to be out there in the middle. Not even bothered by cars going by, or one runner, who thumped by, bare chested, red shorts.

if you do take this road, go slow :)

I just needed the sun and some wind, the embrace of soil and farm smells. I think there were 5 cards. Filled them up. Found leaking (tears) came along at one card, one thought - accompanied by that sense of Grace.

Sitting still was good. As was losing my dependence on bodies of water for thoughtful meandering and romantic interludes. (Used to be my M.O.)

Muse stayed for a long time. Lingering. Even the rain drops and phone call didn't chase her right away.

Maybe that's what's nice about dusk. It reminds me of her. Also of the perks - the essentialness even - of time without distractions.

Thinking of setting a begging bowl out. Full with offering? Or empty with potential? Both?

Can a bowl be both empty and full?

Well look there - my very own koan. How nice. See? She is hanging around. "Ha!" she says. "You thought I had gone for - " Well, yes, maybe for a long time.

Contemplating field of dreams. And sleeping outside. Under the full moon.

In My Lap

There's nothing quite like a cat in your lap.

Warm, purring.

Some would say it's better to have a sexy woman.

Or a child in your lap, maybe reading.

Others want a poodle. A standard. poodle.

Or a surprise. Landed, as it just so happens, there. In your lap!

Knitting is great - even if it is just lying there, looking pretty.

But a cat or a kitten, content for a moment...

That's the cat's meow.

Bam

Last night to my 13 year old: "One day you will fall in love and *bam* it will hit you hard, and you will want to be with that person all the time. Just like it's hit Patrick now, like it hit Madeleine last year, and it happened to me, a couple of times. And you'll think you know what love is.

Then one day you'll have a baby, and you'll get hit an indescribable number of times harder, with love. It's why new parents can just sit around and watch their baby. For long periods of time. Even if it's sleeping.

The career, and all your plans don't matter much any more. It's all about the baby and nursing and watching it grow.

You'll start learning from your kids, 'cause you're smart, and they will teach you so much. And they will break your heart, many times.

Then, with your second one, you'll wonder how you could possibly love another child as much as you love your first. (I was very protective of Patrick, and couldn't imagine loving another as much as I loved him.)

And then, you meet the second child, and somehow, there IS enough love. It's not like a small fishbowl and now there are two fish, it's like there's a bigger bowl. There's plenty!

By the time you have your third child, you trust that there is going to be enough love to go around, and you find that also there is the brother and sister now to love this third child. Patrick only had me and his dad."

After a moment, she adds, "And cousins - you get all those cousins who love you."

"Yes, that's true."

"Our Sidney is going to get SO much love, 'cause she's the youngest cousin."

Smile. "I hadn't thought of that."

Acedia & Me: A Marriage, Monks, and a Writer's Life : Kathleen Norris

Found this book at Borders last week for like $6 - great read for the thoughtful and for anyone who has had or had loved ones with depression. Very gentle, hopeful, beautiful, inspiring, insightful.

Amazon.com: Acedia & Me: A Marriage, Monks, and a Writer's Life (9781594489969): Kathleen Norris: Books

Long hair?

A good friend once said, after cutting her waist-length locks, that she heard long hair "picks up vibrations" and she did feel not only lighter, but less ... less of an antennae! Loved the images that created.

Why Can’t Middle-Aged Women Have Long Hair? - NYTimes.com

Beautiful Boy

I read an interesting book over the last few weeks, Beautiful Boy by David Sheff. I bought it almost a year ago (more?) but distractions kept me from it... probably reading vampire books. I have to say that this read was similar to the worst (meaning terrifying) fiction. I tend to avoid sad stories, overly gory movies, anything that might rip my heart out or put images that I can't handle into my head; they come rising unbidden in the dark, or a dark hour.*

Beautiful Boy is the story of a smart, engaged, sweet teenager who starts down the road of addiction and his father's struggle to help him.

So Beautiful Boy sat around for months based on my fear of how bad it would hurt. Instead, when I read it, I got the strange kind of comfort (sick in some ways) that comes from a pernicious half-lie, half-truth: "I am not like this man."

It may be a lousy self-centered excuse to therefore enjoy it, but I got into this book quickly, once I started. Sheff is a very clear writer, and yet didn't give me more info that I needed. I liked that he left some things unstated, like all the emotion that comes up when you see an ex-spouse, collaborative for a child, and you flash back to who you both once were, and how strangely connected you will always be, no matter how long since the divorce.

Sheff quotes a lot of classics, and new materials on addiction, and I lapped that up. It helps me to short-hand big thoughts into paragraphs, much like the cliches of AA and Al-Anon help alcoholics and families of alcoholics. I haven't examined his resources and credits lists, but I'm sure there is plenty of side-trails to follow from his reassuringly professional (think, journalistic) documentation.

There were nights I stayed up way too late to read Beautiful Boy, always a good sign. While I both love and hate this - the lure of a good book versus the 500 lb gorilla (my need for rest) - how could I not recommend it?

It takes a very well written story to stand down a primal need for sleep. And so it goes with the story of Sheff's son fighting addiction. Even with the more modern view that addiction is a disease, it's no less dangerous than a wild, unpredictable animal, and so primal in it's own way. All our advances in modern medicine don't give us pat answers about treatment for addicts, a point that Sheff makes very well with deep research and personal experience.

Sheff's research confirmed my suspicion that the rehab industry is all over the place with theories of what works, various studies that back up their claims of what works, and solid numbers, such as how many times does an addict relapse? Sheff doesn't shy away from all the ambiguity or resulting frustration. In the end you find that even with so much uncertainty there is a way to find some balance. Sheff writes it so well, that while you share his insanity (caused by loving an addict) you also get carried along and only slowly realize all the places in his life where it's crazy, which strikes me as very authentic.

By the way the book's title, I suspect, comes from a John Lennon song. He made a good role-model for those who (wrongly) equate addition/alcoholism with greatness/genius.

Even after years of studying the topic, I found a new reference to remind me that it is our stories that heal, and we have to do the leg work. Sheff has a helluva lot of courage. Anyone who has faced alcoholism, addiction or other "crazy" behavior (aka co-dependency) among their loved ones, or in themselves should check it out.

v

*It took me 5 years as a Jew to read about the Holocaust for instance. I had even coordinated Holocaust Remembrance gatherings for two years in a row, but had never read about the event. The details were too much for me to face. Similarly, when I read about women crossing the Oregon Trails I felt the same way. I read their stories while a big new job was crumbling for me and I was very much at the barrel end of a gun every day (boss was pretty insane), with a teen son fighting with his stepdad nearly every night. Still, somehow at least I had a bathroom and a bed. Women on the frontier had a hellish existence I could appreciate. Not only did their courage make me feel better, and not so fool-hardy, but also the depths of their pain and losses lightened my own a bit. Tragic, true, but at least I wasn't hiking my skirt on the prairie in front of a bunch of men.

New Ideas in Education

This guy got coverage from NPR over a year ago, but I'm glad Gates has noticed him.

Here is his Kahn Academy website.

Sal Khan: Bill Gates' favorite teacher - Aug. 24, 2010

When I first heard the story of his success (based on free, short tutorials on youtube.com) I was impressed with the simple beauty - the elegance of the idea. I still haven't had a chance to view his work, but suffice it to say that anything new in educational theory (in this case trying a new delivery method, tho some call them "mcnuggets") is good, in my not so humble opinion.

I love that Gates and his foundation are looking for ways to revamp American education - the entire approach needs to be examined.

And yet I know that no matter how great Kahn is, or how well his "shorts" serve students, there is something missing when we take face-to-fact interaction away from students and teachers.

Being "live" in the flesh doesn't always matter, and if you can't get a real teacher a virtual or long-distance internet version may be the best you can do.

But make no mistake. Fast food is not the same as home cooked. Gourmet meals are not really packaged in the freezer aisle of the grocery story. And online interaction is not anywhere near as good as the communication that happens when two people are in the same room together. Yes, there are advantages, just like heating up a meal in a microwave or driving thru McDonalds, or canned food is sometimes the best you can do in a pinch.

Don't fool yourself. We should be careful what is served to our children and in our colleges - and how it is delivered.

]v

Things Newlyweds Chat about

snopes.com: The Unsolvable Math Problem and Lastest Solved Math Mystery Both of these are great true stories.

For his birthday I bought Stan three small volumes:

50 Mathematical Ideas (you really need to know) by Tony Crilly

50 Physics Ideas (you really need to know) by Joanne Baker

and Natural History Museum (London) Diary for 2010 (full of great photographs with technical details)

I thought they (the first two books anyway) would provide some info on great topics we could explore together, and followed along the lines of our "normal" conversations... at least one branch of our chats.

Many times we find ourselves going from current events to political philosophies. I'm grateful to every single one of my professors (at UGA) for giving me some ground on which to stand during these rigorous examinations of theory and current trends! Believe me, Stan gives me no - zero, nada - intellectual slack.

Happiness

Happiness is so much better than I thought it would be. Last night when tucking G in, we were talking about gratitude and hope. She clearly thinks I'm nuts to be grateful all the time.

I had to tell her there were times in the past few years when I'd given up hope, or almost anyway. It seemed too much to wish for ... more than our daily bread, a roof over our heads, and our health. Loving family and beautiful things were amazing bonuses.

I had to make our world very small for a while. I was fine with this, and knew it was something like incubating, or hibernation...

Recently I've been able to see a path for us. I have dared to look more than a few weeks into the future, a peek. Now I'm thinking again about next year, and bigger goals.

I'm so glad my journey led us to Atlanta, and back to STL for a little while, and closer to NC friends and family for the last 3 years. Now moving again, while physically exhausting, has also been one of the most amazing times.

I think it has to do with gratitude, and our determination to help heal the world, having less needs and less ego, more G-d, lower expectations, higher standards.

I dreamt last night that Stan was saying grace for us over a meal... two different times... I think I said the blessing the second time... shared values means so much. It's a great start.

Small rituals to mark the turning points of our lives, public declarations of love mean a lot, and so does spending time with family and friends. We are so rich.

Love.

v

Cooking Therapy

Made this on Sunday night for the family. Easy and came out great :) Sent some on the road with my Honey :D Eggplant Parmesan I Recipe - Allrecipes.com ps. did not use fresh basil. I think that would have been nice tho. Did use triple mushroom Classico sauce and roasted garlic sauce. Lunch!

Waves

I love you beyond all reason

Beyond words

Beyond thought

Washes over me

and I ride

Floating

Amazed

Quiet

Then grinning.

Handwriting on the sky

Can't hold it

Nor song or baking

Not making love

Nothing can

But everything.